Earlier this year I was given a gift voucher for a 60 minute Kenkou mineral stone therapy massage at Geisha Melbourne. Not really knowing what stone massage therapy was (“they’re not gunna pound me with stones are they?”), I figured nonetheless this was probably one of those things you take your girlfriend along too and make an afternoon of it.

Long story short that fell through and after consideration I came to the conclusion that a stone therapy massage is probably not something you want to take a girl on a date out too.

‘Hey wanna come with me to get a stone massage?’

‘Woah slow down there cowboy. Take it easy, shouldn’t we like get married first or something?’

With the voucher expiry date looming ever closer I eventually decided to suck it up and book myself in, solo.

Walking into Geisha Melbourne is probably about as gender stereotypical for a massage place as you can get. There were women everywhere and for the life of me I couldn’t see a guy in sight.

Not that I was complaining but I did feel kinda out of place. Kinda that same feeling when a girl drags you into a clothing store and you just stand around and try not to get in the way.

The inside decor of the building was quite nice. They had dark polished floorboards and the building had been done up to look oriental. A Japanese garden thing near the waiting area was a nice touch.

After checking myself in I was given a questionnaire thing to fill in which kind of left me a bit open. Answering health questions and ‘which areas would you like us to focus on’ when you’re perfectly healthy kind of left me scratching my head as what to put down.

The form even asked me if I was pregnant or not… by which time I was starting to think I was the only guy that’d ever been to Geisha.

I thought it was probably a good idea to go to the toilet before a massage as I imagined it wasn’t  very relaxing holding it waiting for the massage to end. Just a quick note, if you’re planning to use Geisha’s toilets after walking up 100 flights of stairs (don’t you just love old buildings), be careful when you use the cubicles (sorry guys there’s no urinals).

I wasn’t paying much attention and didn’t realise the roof is extremely low in the toilet area. When you walk into a cubicle the roof actually slants down to the wall pyramid style and if you’re not paying attention you’ll walk right into it – like I did.

On the plus side it does give you something to put in the ‘what areas would you like us to concentrate on today?’ section of the questionnaire.

After meeting my masseuse I was taken upstairs into the massage rooms. They have those traditional (paper I think it is?) Japanese sliding doors and are quite well done up. Unfortunately I was too busy taking the experience in that I forgot to take a photo until after my massage.

Naturally when I walked in the bed was all nicely done up, (I thought about quickly tidying it up for the photo but didn’t want the masseuse to come back and think I was some kind of obsessive neat freak).

Relaxing music drifts through an inhouse speaker system although there must be a clothing store or something nearby as throughout the massage the inhouse music (not that it was up loud or anything), was interrupted by a thumping baseline which was a bit distracting.

The Kenkou massage itself was quite relaxing. I’m far from a massage connoisseur but I do know the difference between a painful massage and a relaxing one.

First I was presented with the choice of just a back massage or a front and back. Myself having no idea I did the best I could and asked what was the most common and was told that most people just get the back done. It’s a bit more relaxing if you don’t have to getup and turn yourself over mid massage.

Next we chose the massage oil fragrance we were going to use. By this stage I think the masseuse kinda triggered I didn’t have a clue so we did a blind smell test. From memory I picked out rosemary which is for “rejuvenating & relaxing”.

Suits me!

After having lying down and having the oil applied the massage starts. There was basically three components, the hand massage, the slightly rough stone massage and then the smooth rounder stones. I believe the stones used were Malachite and Zincite, I think Zincite was the smoother ones.

The stones are heated up in a little oven thing and are wonderfully warm to the touch when applied. I found it was a very complimentary addition to the standard hand massage. The smooth stones did at times feel a bit like a small rolling pin was running over my body but it wasn’t a bad sensation, just different.

The Kenkou stone massage basically covered the entire back of my body, from toes to my head. At the conclusion of the massage the rougher stones are placed all along your body, then you’re lightly covered and left to enjoy the warmth for 5-10 minutes or so.

By this stage I was completely relaxed and it was difficult to not fall asleep!

I left the bicycle at home for this outing feeling that even a relaxing slow ride would probably undo the relaxing feeling a good massage give you. Driving home from Geisha was kind of like a surreal experience.

I was wide awake but didn’t really care what was going around me on the road.

Once I got home I spent most of the evening on the couch and sleep later that night is where I really noticed the difference. I’m usually a pretty light sleeper and unless I’m really tired rarely drift off into that deep ‘black mind’ sleep that just flies.

I slept like a baby for 10 hours that night and didn’t stir once.

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Geisha Melbourne is located in the heart of the CBD on the first floor, 285 Little Collins Street. Ideally you’d want to take someone there and share the experience (they do spas and what not as well) but if you’re flying solo it’s just as relaxing.

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