There are two types of employees in a recession, those that value their jobs and idiots like me who look for work elsewhere.

I’d had enough of my current job and figured it was time to move on. Recession be damned with a bit of help from the government to get me through Christmas I’m sure I can manage. It’s the start of February now and after a few interviews but no luck securing my position i’m kinda over being poor and have widened my net to positions I really don’t want to take. Enough is enough and I need to find work somewhere.

I applied for Centrelink back in early December anticipating my employment ceasing. I got a call the next day while I was walking through a park (yeah those were the good ol’ days) and didn’t have any paperwork on me. I asked if I could call the lady back as it’d take me five minutes to get home and organise my papers. She gave me a number to call back on so I ran home, got my papers and called the number.

After quoting my Centrelink number (I hang my head in shame as I type this seeing as I now know it off by heart), the guy looked up my details and asked what he can do for me.

“uh hi, a lady called me about five minutes ago to discuss my application, she gave me this number to call back on so I’m just returning the call. It’s about a Newstart claim.”

‘hmm let me have a look’

*2 minutes of mouse clicking in the background*

‘hmm no there doesn’t appear to be anything here. What was it in regards to again?’

‘a Newstart application. She just called me like five minutes ago, I just didn’t have my papers so I said i’ll call back in five minutes on this number she gave me.’

‘hmm well there’s nothing here about that, i’ll put you through to the claim line, i’ll explain to them what’s happened and we’ll go from there.

‘no worries thanks.’

*5-10 minutes of waiting time*

‘Hi how can I help you?’

‘Uh hi, I was just speaking to a guy about my newstart allowance and he said he’d be passing on all the info to you before putting me through.’

‘Oh, I didn’t get any info. Anyway lets start from scratch how can I help you.’

‘well I was called by a lady about ten minutes ago regarding a newstart application, I couldn’t take the call so I called back in five minutes when I could and then spoke to the guy I just spoke to before you, then he put me through to you…’

‘so it’s about a newstart application?’

‘yes’

‘ok, well i’ll have to put in a new application, the process takes about forty minutes are you ok with that?’

‘um don’t you guys close at 5?’

‘yes’

‘it’s four fifty now.. it’s ok i’ll call back tommorow.’

‘ok, when you call just say you’re calling about a “new newstart claim” and they’ll put you right through to us.’

After feeling just a little bit stuffed around I called them back the next day and got someone who was able to see my original claim on the computer and sort it out so that kinda restored my faith. I was organised to see a job network member the following week. I received another letter over the next few days advising me I had to present my identification papers to Centrelink no later then the 19th of December.

The day of my Job Network member appointment rolled around so not having much else to do I put on some decent clothes and atended that. That was my first mistake. There’s  business attire, then there’s dress casual, then there’s smart casual, then there’s casual, then there’s “I just woke up and slapped whatever the hell on”. Seriously, I have no doubt in my mind I could have waltz into the group interview 30 minutes late with a bowl of cereal in my pajamas and have been fine.

I’ve since come to the realistation of why. These guys literally have no expectation of you. They have to take whatever clients the government throws at them and their bar is set so low a paraplegic grasshopper wouldn’t have any troubles clearing it.

I sat down for my interview feeling like i’d missed the memo for ‘casual friday’ at work and did my best to take in ‘how to use the internet to find work’. While I was being educated on how to use a computer a young woman walked in. Due to what must have been a shortage of staff (yes the irony was so thick you could have cut your morning toast with it if you’d brought it in) the guy conducting our group interview excused himself and went to help the lady.

‘uh hi can I help you’

‘yeah I was after help looking for a job’

‘ah ok, well i’m kinda busy right now just have a seat i’ll get bob to help you’

‘why can’t you help me?’

‘i’m in the middle of running a group interview, bob won’t be too long’

‘oh ok thanks’

The guy then came back and continued on showing us how to login to the jobseeker website. Meanwhile ‘bob’ finished doing whatever it was he was doing and came to the assistance of the girl at the desk. Like being stuck next to that annoying idiot on the train who’s chatting to someone on pluto through his mobile, I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation;

‘hi how can I help you’

‘hi I was wanting some help finding work’

‘no problems do you have a resume?’

‘no, don’t you guys have it. I was in here last week’

‘it’s probably on the system. do you know your id number?’

‘no but shouldn’t yous have a copy of it?’

‘yes but it’ll have been uploaded to the system. Don’t worry about it come over to my desk we’ll work something out for you’.

The guy took the girl around to his desk and the guy started taking down her details for a resume

‘so what are your skills’

‘well i’m good with computers, I know word, hotmail and facebook.’

…

…no I’m not making this up.

Now I’m not one for elitism when people are genuinely down, but seriously. At that stage I think it’s probably not the best idea to be looking for work. You probably want to go back to highschool and finish that, and if you did finish it do it again because you probably missed something. I don’t know maybe you fell pregnant or caught some horrible disease but if you’re going to list facebook as a skill on your resume something, somewhere in your education went horribly, horribly wrong.

That was the start of my enthusiastic spirit being slowly crushed, realising that if this agency had to take on people like that with a smile… they probably won’t going to be of much use to me.

The rest of my interview went along quietly. I put off job hunting figuring having worked the past 13 months without a holiday the least I could was enjoy the few weeks before Christmas and new years and I’d get stuck into job hunting in the new year.

As per the letter i’d received earlier, on the 13th I rocked up to Centrelink with my papers and was advised to just bring it all on my actual appointment date.

‘uh.. I haven’t been given an appointment date I just got this letter in the mail telling me to bring all this stuff in by today.’

‘hmm that doesn’t sound right’

*awkward 2-3 minutes of me standing at counter while the guy clicks his computer buttons, probably playing solitaire to stall for a bit*

‘ah here it is, ok you’re date for an appointment is the 29th at 2pm’

‘so do I have to hand any of this in today?’

‘nah just bring it in on the 29th’

‘uh.. ok thanks.’

So I got by till the 29th, Christmas being a deathly quiet occasion for me living in the fear that my application might somehow get rejected altogether and i’d wind up living on the street.

On the 29th I arrived fifteen minutes early and was asked to take a seat. ‘The View’ was on and I didn’t bring anything to entertain myself so I sat down and tried to stomach the pain that is five women babbling on like anybody cares.

An hour and a half later I got up and approached the desk

‘hi i’m the only one left, I had an appointment at 2 it’s 3:30 I was just wondering how you guys were running for time?’

‘oh that doesn’t seem right hang on i’ll check’

*guy wandered off with a clipboard, “who’s handling client shard?” before dissapearing out of my sight…3-4 minutes pass*

‘ah the guy doing your interview is just running a bit behind shouldn’t be too long’.

‘ok thanks’

I sat back down on my own in the waiting area. After about ten minutes, and with nobody leaving or entering the building I was called up by a guy. Timing dramas aside the interview itself was straight forward and without hiccup. I was out of there in less then twenty minutes.

Now that my income was sorted I turned my full attention to job hunting.

That was four weeks ago and after 38 job applications and a few interviews and the fortnightly shame march into Centrelink to hand in your signed sworn statement proclaiming that you are not rorting the system and are actually looking for work my spirits feeling more battered then the economy.

It’s a combination of things really, there’s the natural hit you take to your self esteem when it sinks in your reliant on handouts to get by and then the combination of having to go line up every two weeks amongst people who are so godamn lazy they can’t fill in their forms BEFORE they get to handing in their form at someone’s desk. I mean seriously, how the hell are you going to get a job if you make what should be a five minute simple handing in of a form you filled out and signed at home into a thirty minute ordeal of two’ing and fro’ing between you and the centrelink employee?!?

THE FORM DOESN’T CHANGE FROM WEEK TO WEEK IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME. SO HERE’S A TIP FILL OUT THE BLOODY THING AT HOME SO WE’RE NOT STUCK IN THE QUEUE WAITING FOR YOUR SLACK ARSE TO FILL IT IN WASTING EVERYBODY’S TIME.

There’s the awkward silence that happens everytime someone asks you ‘so what are you doing with yourself?’ I mean there’s only so many ways you can window dress ‘i’m so poor I spend most of my time coming up with ways to not go utterly insane with all the dead time I have between applications and interviews. My only friends are the women from the View and I just spent my weekly food budget on a train ticket to get here today can I borrow a dollar?’.

Then there’s the fact you’ve got no money to do anything social. Since New years I’ve never spent so much time in my house. I’m kind of at the point I think where the next interview I go to when they ask ‘ok so why do you want the job?’

‘I just want to have money again. I want to be able to afford 2 ply freaking toilet paper. I want to be able to order a beer at a pub, I want to be able to order too much food and not feel guilty about not finishing it BECAUSE I CAN! I want to be able to drive my car again, I want to be able to collect my mail and not feel my heart sink three feet underground everytime I get a bill, I want to eat REAL MEAT I am so over sausage casserolles and dahl stews FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST GIVE ME THIS JOB!

Then when you still don’t get the job you’ll be back in a fortnight to join the Newstart queue again and hand in your forms.

Remember, you’re Centrelink’s bitch now.


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