msyqueueI had the mispleasure of trodding down to my local MSY computer store today to pick up a new USB drive for my dvd player.

Despite opening their first store over a decade ago it amazed me that there were people in the store today who still had no idea how the MSY shopping experience was supposed to work.

As I stood in the queue long enough to circle the Earth eighty four times I made a resolution to do my bit when I got out of there and write a guide on the do’s and don’ts of shopping at MSY.

With any luck this entry will eventually pull a decent search rank on google, so hopefully the next time some clueless moron rocks up to the counter the rest of us aren’t waiting forty five minutes whilst the store clerk attempts to explain to them that a portable dvd player doesn’t need windows to run BECAUSE IT’S NOT A FREAKING COMPUTER.



The Queue

The MSY queue is a right of passage. In order to bask in the heavenly immortality granting rays of the service desk you need to earn it and MSY only trade in minutes, or hours if you’re unlucky enough to be behind someone who hasn’t read this guide.

The worst thing you can do upon rocking up to an MSY store is to walk past everyone waiting outside, push your way into the store, have a look around and then exclaim loudly ‘JESUS CHRIST WHY IS THE QUEUE SO LONG?’

It’s long because they’re hands down the cheapest in town. No you’re not the first person to point out the queues are huge and those of us already standing in the huge queue are well aware of it’s length.

What, did you think we were all just standing outside for some fresh air?



Personal Hygene

It is a mandatory requirement that patrons of MSY do not engage in any manner of personal hygene. This includes brushing your teeth, changing your underwear in the last month, wearing deodorant, cutting your fingernails and maintaining that shaggy carpet growing out of your skull.

In fact MSY are so adamant that you don’t engage in any of the above luxuries that they actively screen you before you are let onto the premises. If you trigger the alarm expect the police to rock up and cart you away… and yes, you’ll have to join the back of the queue again upon bail.

The only MSY certified and approved hairstyles are the army crew cut, the spectacles-and-ponytail and the middle parting asian mushroom haircut. MSY is also the only place on earth where bright blue Dimmeys and Forges straight leg denim jeans are acceptable attire.



Bringing a girlfriend/hooker/Thai escort/daughter/wife/female companion of any species/computer part box with a female graphic on it to MSY

Bringing females to MSY is a gargantuan no-no. Sure it might seem like a good idea to bring a female companion with you to pass the time while you waste a few hours of your life waiting in a queue, but did you ever stop to think what it must feel like to be simultaneously eyeball raped by forty three thousand nerds?

Yeah that guy standing behind you in the queue breathing really hard, he doesn’t have asthma.

If you’re female companion is even half attractive has a vagina and breasts every guy in that queue is going to perve and at least once think about doing her over the MSY counter.

Nobodys going to admit it happens but it happens everytime a guy rocks up with a female. There’s just no way around the fact that standing in a queue is boring and playing a homemade porno in your head with random females is just something bored guys do.

Let’s face it, it’s infinitely more interesting then pretending to read the fine print on the boxes of computer parts you’re not interested in that are stacked up to the roof all around you.

Remember that most of the MSY patrons are sex starved losers who have nothing better to do then wait in huge lines to buy computer parts on a Saturday. So unless you’re comfortable with everyone in the queue blowing their virtual load all over her, leave the females at home with a magazine.



The Price List

Upon reaching the service desk the MSY sales staff will query you on three random products in their range. Give the wrong price on any one of the three products you are queried on and you will receive an instant life ban. For this reason it is important to have what can only be described as the sacred text of the Australian computer nerd committed to memory.

Do not waste everyone’s time by attempting to shop at MSY until you can recite the entire shopping list from memory.

Upon arrival at an MSY store it is mandatory that you grab a price list from the front desk. It is a little known fact that MSY single handedly are responsible for global warming with the sheer volume of price lists they print out. Because of this, you can always be sure there will be plenty of copies floating around so there is no excuse not to have one in your hands whilst you wait.

Even if you know exactly what you are after in the store do not miss the opportunity to study the price list whilst you wait in the queue. The price list might have changed 34 times since you last checked it just before you left home. Infact the product you saw on the price list before leaving your house might not even exist anymore and in order to save valuable time it is important that you familiarise yourself with the current price list.

If someone hands you a copy of the list you accept it. Do not ask questions, attempt to start up a conversation or refuse. If you refuse, MSY lore states that the other party is now entitled to challenge you to a nerd off covering three topics of his choosing.

Lose a MSY nerd off and expect to be life banned from the store.



The MSY Altar of Service

Upon reaching this holiest of holy places it is important that you do not make eye contact with the sales staff. They are the gatekeepers of the ridiculously low priced merchandise and must be respected at all times.

State clearly and concisely what it is you want and point to the price list if necessary.

Do not make idle chit chat.

Do not ask for suggestions.

Do not ask for comparisons between brands.

Do not ask why MSY never reply to your emails.

Do not try to haggle, MSY is not a charity. Their prices are set in stone by the Chinese government and are non-negotiable.

Lastly, Do not under any circumstances wait for the sales staff to rummage through their back room of miracles only to change your mind and ask for a different product when they return. If you do this expect a punch in the back of the head from the frustrated nerd waiting behind you.

From the moment you step up to the MSY altar of service a five minute countdown is automatically initiated. If you take longer then the allocated time to complete your transaction a trap door opens and you wind up at the back of the queue again.

For this reason it is important to know exactly what you want before you decide to leave your house. Be prepared for ‘no stock’ and have at least four backup products in mind just in case.

If you know nothing about computers do not waste everybody’s time and expect MSY to spend half the morning answering your dumbarse questions. Instead either bring a nerd friend with you to do all the talking or spend a few weekends on google reading up on what it is you’re after.

There is nothing more infuriating then waiting in line and hearing someone at the altar announce ‘Hi, i’ve come to buy a computer but I don’t know what i’m after specifically.’ It’s just not on, it’s worse then the holocaust, Hiroshima and being locked in your father’s basement and raped for 25 years.

JUST DON’T DO IT PEOPLE.


Hopefully we can all learn something from the guide and make shopping at MSY a more pleasurable experience for all involved. Feel free to print the guide out to take with you so you can reference what to do and not do once you’re at the store.

Well, that’s it from me. Till the next time one of my computer parts breaks and I need to replace it; My name is OzSoapbox and I’ll see you in MSY hell.



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