Back who knows when ING real estate decided it would be a great idea to build a giant whopping ferris wheel in the middle of the Docklands. I don’t know what crack their marketing team were smoking but they built the wheel at a massive one hundred million AUD with the idea that about 1.5 million patrons, or 342 passengers per hour would be using the wheel each year.

After taking ages to build it finally opened up in late December, just before Christmas. After a promising opening night complete with fireworks, boy has the response since been cold.

Being unemployed and my girlfriend busy with stuff over christmas and new years, I decided to go down and have a look for myself a week after the wheel opened.

At first I thought it must have been some kind of joke. They had tons and tons of barriers set up but there wasn’t a person in sight.

“Did I just miss a huge rush?”

“No it’s been dead all day.”

Now I could have been a douchebag and gone at 9am in the morning just to prove a point but this was just after lunchtime a week after opening in between christmas and new years when people don’t really have much to do other then go out shopping.

I mean there wasn’t even a small line, there was just nobody there at all.

Quick, better book a Premium ticket so you can "walk straight to the front of the queue

Quick, better book a Premium ticket so you can "walk straight to the front of the queue


So 150 million down the drain, forecasts of visitors that were clearly never going to be met, well THANK GOD FOR MELBOURNE’S HEATWAVE!

Melbourne recently suffered through a week of temperatures hitting the high 40′s. Apart from our train network collapsing on itself and the western suburbs being plunged into the dark ages with daily power losses, ING’s giant ferris wheel collapsed under the heat and suffered buckling and cracks in the metal structure. Apparently nobody has any idea how to fix it and Southern Star management group are asking for help overseas because nobody in Melbourne really wants to see it become operational again.

Southern Star Management Group chairman Fred Maybury has been quoted on 3AW talkback radio stating the wheel will be closed indefinitely until they get reports on how to fix it, and why it broke. I can probably answer the second question for them, “because the design plans were crap.”

So heat issues aside, why was this giant ferris wheel such a gargantuan flop? I mean surely they must have done their research and come to an educated conclusion that demand was there and the wheel would be profitable?

Personally I have no problems with the design of the wheel. It looks very Ipod’ish with it’s white design and oval pods so it’s not that it’s an eyesore. I think the heart of the matter is simply where these clowns decided to build it. It’s situated in the Docklands, currently surrounded by a shopping area and a sprawl of apartment complex construction and shipping yards.

Who exactly is their demographic?

I can see the rich business men trying to impress their overseas constituents with a taste of melbourne;

‘wow so high.. your city is beautiful’

‘yes it is Mr. CEO. Over here you’ll see our CBD.’

‘lots of buildings, impressive!’

‘and over here is er… well… lots of red steel shipping docks.’

‘…’

‘and oh! over here through the mass of apartment blocks of the docklands are the breathtaking views of port phillip bayside!’

‘hm.. I left my binoculaurs in my other set of trousers.’

There’s really not that much to impress people with up there. So if big business isn’t the target, maybe it’s families. But wait, can you think of anything more torturous to a five year old then to be stuck inside a toilet sized cabin with nothing to do for a half hour? At adult tickets costing $29 and kids at $17, the average family of 2 adults, 2 kids is going to be set back $92 for 30 minutes of “sightseeing” their own city.

I mean really guys, did you honestly think this was going to work?

There was one demographic however that bucked the trend and actually seemed to show some potential; couples!

All is not lost on this so far journey of failure for the Southern Star operators. If couples have demonstrated they like to make out in the cabins you can easily turn over a nice profit. All you need to do is crank the ride length to an hour, tint the cabin windows and build a cinema complex or something similar next door.

Couples then go to watch a movie and then hire one of your cabins for an hour and romp till their pants drop. It’s the perfect date. Dinner beforehand, movie and then the ultimate induction into the mile high club – with no mess to clean up afterwards or interruptions. I’m not sure how they’d go ensuring the cabin freshness, but surely if they can pump one hundred million into the thing they can do some research and work something out. The cabins are already decked out with CCTV cameras, so with a simple $5 discount on ticket prices in exchange for signing a waiver the possibility of an internet cam site with 24 live debaucherous web feeds to choose from opens up too! With Valentines day being just around the corner i’d wager they could easily make their 100 million investment back by March if they got cracking.

Surely my circle of sleaze idea is a much better alternative to the current “indefinitely closed” wheel that nobody asked for, nobody wanted to ride and now nobody CAN ride even if they wanted to sorry state of embarrassment we currently have lying around at the Docklands.

Southern Star operators you’ve just been thrown a lifeline, the balls are in your court.



Update (25th February, 2009):

Engineers flown in from Japan have reported “back to owners ING Real Estate that it might not be safe to spin again until August.” Presumably because the chance of a 40 degree day buckling the wheel in the middle of winter is only slightly less probably then the wheel ever being a success. Only just.

The Herald Sun is also reporting that “Ninety workers at the crippled Southern Star Observation Wheel in the Docklands have been offered severance packages.” Observation wheel operators remain in denial however reassuring everyone that the wheel “will definitely reopen”

OzSoapbox wishes the management team at the Southern Star the best of luck in what has proven to be one of, if not <i>the</i> worst example of how to open a tourist attraction up in Melbourne.


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