k, so the high court of Australia has laid the smack down and decided that Bryan Pape’s argument that the government stimulus payment is a gift and not a tax measure.

Honestly, me and 99.9% of Australian’s don’t really care. Gift or tax measure whatever, JUST SHOW US THE FREAKING MONEY!

I know we’re being bought by the government and that encouraging people to spend money that’s not theirs is what got us into this situation in the first place but there’s nothing quite like spending someone elses money, and hey what’s the worst that could happen; so what if my grandkids have to slave away in the coal mines to pay it off – NOT MY PROBLEM!

The ATO will automatically check eligibility and Australian’s will start receiving their free dosh from the government as of next week. In celebration of Rudd’s Cash Grab Bonanza I decided to write up 10 ways in which you can spend your $900 and splurge like you’ve never splurged before help the economy.

1. 56kg of Cadbury Chocolate

Sure it’s not the best chocolate in the world but it’s passable and available from every supermarket in Australia. At roughly $4 for a 250g block, you’re looking at 56kg of whatever variety you want – DID SOMEBODY SAY BEST EASTER EVER?

2. Kevin-37, 37″ Full HD 1080p LCD TV

Time to upgrade that CRT that weighs more then you do. Kogan are offering a decent LCD full HD tv for exactly $900. Postage will set you back about $70 to metro areas in capital cities and unfortunately they won’t ship till the end of April.

Still, if you’ve got patience and a crap tv go for it! Let’s face it, if you didn’t have patience you wouldn’t still be watching tv on a CRT.

3. 187 Litres of Beer

Currently Dan Murphys have a decent selection (beer snobs need will have to pay slightly more) of slabs coming in at $39.70. You can get 22 slabs for $900 at this price which should be more then enough, even if you invited the entire block around (which you wouldn’t because that’d mean less beer for you).

4. Sony Muteki Home Theatre System

Whether your pumping out kids for the baby bonus, scamming Centrelink or rorting the property market (thanks guys), there’s just something about spending free government money on televisions and home theatre systems that is uniquely Australian.

If you’ve already got a decent tv why not compliment it with a nice midrange home theatre system. JBHifi currently have the Sony Muteki HTDDW7000 home theatre system for $972 online with $20 shipping. Not sure how much it’s going for in their shops but it couldn’t hurt to rock up with your government cheque (or netbank printout) and try to haggle it down.

5. Donate it to charity

Let’s face it this is the option for boring people. The people giving their government dollars (or alternatively ‘rudders’) to charity are only doing it so they can go around telling people they donated their rudders to charity.

Still, if you’re one of those people then this might be a viable option. I won’t link anything as everyone has their own charity preference but I will suggest you don’t spend it on the bushfire victims. Better you get a new television then some pleb who didn’t insure their property using your free money to refurbish their new government sponsored house.

6. Hookers!

Ok now that the boring people have gone off googling for their favourite charity, the rest of us can talk about hookers. The Daily Planet in Elsternwick, Victoria charge $240 an hour for a room and yes, that’s including the hooker.

At that price you’re looking at 3 visits, or 4 if you chip in an extra $60. That’s one visit each weekend for a month or a 4 hour “marathon”. Keep in mind you’re also able to hire multiple girls (presumably at an extra $130 per girl on top of the $240/hour) so there’s a few options there.

Personally I couldn’t get it up knowing that potentially some fat slob might have glazed the same doughnut I was now with just a few hours earlier but hey, who am I to judge what people do with Rudd’s money!

7. GIVE IT TO ME

No, seriously.

Arrangements can be made via the email link on the right.

8. Apple iPhone

Yes one of the most pretentious pieces of hardware ever assembled can now be yours to own. Optus are offering the iPhone for $899 outright locked to the Optus network, although apparently they are dead easy to unlock.

If you can get past the fact that as a status symbol you’re more then woefully a few months late to the trend party then BUY BUY BUY!

9. $900 Ruddorama Stimulus Package Party

Ok so you don’t have to call it that but with one pacakge bringing in 187 lites of beer or 55kg of chocolate or an equally insane amount of some other common party item why not combine your efforts with your mates and hold the best free party EVER!

5 guys on beer duty is a staggering 935 litres, get one guy to bring a truckload of chips, another few to bring a crate or two of  assorted spirits and I don’t even want to think how many aldi party pies and sausage rolls $900 will bring in. Add girls and all you have to do is provide the tunes on your new Sony Muteki sound system!

BEST PARTY EVER!

10. A romantic getaway for 2

All my previous suggestions have been grossly weighted slightly slanted to catering for the single male, so here’s one idea for the cashed up couples out there.

A weekend at Crown Towers, checking in Saturday and checking out Sunday morning will set you back $525 for a ‘Deluxe King’ room. That still leaves you $375 for dinner, a movie a trip to the casino – go nuts!

There are other rooms at Crown Towers available which will increase or reduce the price accordingly and obviously you can book in any one of the other hotels in Melbourne. If you pool your stimulus packages as a couple all of a sudden your options explode, although blowing $1800 on a weekend together might seem a bit extreme for some.

Still, for those that haven’t done it before there’s something special about going for it in somebody else’s bed, so why not live like you’re loaded for a day or two and let the government foot the bill.


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