"MORAL OUTRAGE: Coles offer gender specific specials!
I was flicking through Safeway and Coles catalogues this week to see which one had Milo on special as it alternates week to week.
It was a pretty boring week for shopping and nothing was really catching my eye, the usual crap I never buy was discounted and nothing of real value.
Then I got to the last page of the Coles catalogue and stopped dead in my tracks.
GENDER SPECIFIC SPECIALS?!?!
My fists curled up into balls of rage as I rushed to scour the rest of the catalogue to see if I’d somehow missed the male GST free specials.
There were none.
OUTRAGEOUS!
Giving females discounts because their vaginas bleed? This was simply not on and I wouldn’t have a bar of it. Screw gender advertising I was going to get me some GST free tampon action.
I saddled up the Long Haul Trucker and cycled down to my local Coles armed with nothing more then my shopping list and an unquenchable lust for female personal hygiene.
I felt like asking for the manager and launching into a loud verbal tirade about how Coles can so blatantly discard their male customers with such specific specials but instead calmed myself. This was going to be silent warfare.
By doing my little bit I’d deny some poor vagina out there a discount. Screw you Coles, I’m a guy and I was damned if I wasn’t going to make good on your discounted tampons.
Loaded with an assortment of fruity colored boxes I slammed them down on the register belt in triumph.
“So… you really like your tampons hey.”
“Well ah.. uh..(“why didn’t I think this through?”) sure. You um, never know who’ll be spending the night.”
*incredibly awkward silence as my items are scanned*
“That’ll be $28.50.”
“Thanks (“I’m going to go home and die now”).”
I cycled home before Coles had a chance to realise my clever subterfuge and when I got there paused for breath.
“So what now? What the hell am I going to do with 48 tampons and 60 sanitary pads?”
After hours of deliberation here’s what I came up with.
1. HOW MUCH CORDIAL CAN A FREAKING PAD HOLD?!
Recreating those ads to find out why has always been one of my secret life long dreams and today I set about finding out. The closest thing I had to blue water was green cordial (I didn’t have the heart to use raspberry) so I laid out my experiment on the kitchen table and began.
I started off with 250ml of cordial because honestly, I had no idea how much or little these things were capable of holding. Pouring cordial into a pad is harder then it looks!
Think about that the next time you see a girl leaking…
2. Sponges
Sanitary pads absorb right? Sponges absorb right? So therefore surely the two are interchangeable? Unfortunately it didn’t quite work out in the sink as they make terrible scrubbers for cleaning dishes with.
However sanitary pads are absolutely brilliant to use as an afterwipe on benches, stove tops and the microwave. My entire kitchen now smells like girls underpants too – SCORE!
3. Kitty toys
The verdict?
I don’t know what it is about bullet shaped things with strings but cats go CRAZY for them. Stuff buying expensive toys at the local pet store, just buy some of Coles’ GST free tampons and burst a box open all over your lounge room floor.
When the cats finally get bored sanitary pads make a great scoop/sponge to collect all the bits of shredded fluff crap everywhere too!
4. A healthy snack
This was one of the not so good ideas.
Chewing on a tampon is like chewing on some gum wrapped in tissue paper. Strongly not-recommended and tastes nothing like the real thing.
5. Runny nose catcher
A few days before getting my eyes lasered on Friday I ran into a pretty strong head cold which took me down. For two days I was a quivering huddled heap of fever, aching joints and waterfall nose.
When I was in high school I had a friend who’d get quite frequent blood noses and had developed a not so subtle ‘stuff tissues up your nose when it happens so you can get on with life’ technique.
After some careful consideration and still suffering from a runny nose I proceeded to maneuver a tampon up each nostril.
This is the brilliantest idea ever. In two simple motions all of a sudden the most annoying part of a cold is trivialised. Tampons hold TONS of fluid and once it starts to feel a bit soggy you just pull down on the string and stick another one in there.
Protip: If you order pizza for dinner remember to remove the tampons before you answer the door.
Females no doubtedly make up the bulk of their customes but surely there’s a law in the back of some book stating you can’t just go around cutting taxes to one gender and not the other.
How about GST free condom week, or…or…wait guys don’t really have anything else! FREAKING CRAP.
July 6th, 2009 at 4:39 pm Cuteface(Quote)
Did you really buy $28.50 worth of pads and tampons? Christ, I dont even spend that much on those things per month………
July 6th, 2009 at 6:58 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Hey they were GST FREE!
If I ever meet a girl who goes through 48 tampons and 60 sanitary pads a month I’m running in the opposite direction.
At a 100mls of absorption a pop, that’s just not human.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am The bleeding obvious(Quote)
I don’t think you inserted the tampon correctly into your nose as they’re supposed to double up in size once they get in contact with liquid. In saying that, I’m sure the tampons would’ve gotten stuck up your nose until they were sufficiently filled with snot.
PS. All products for women are overpriced. Just because we get a sale like this (and the products are still pricey on something that’s a necessity) you get all worked up??
PPS. I did find this hilarious to read though
July 7th, 2009 at 10:03 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
I think the nostrils keep it in check. Obviously you can’t breathe out of your nose while your doing it but when your nose is runny this isn’t a bad thing.
As for overpriced, what about guy stuff. Do you have any idea how much shaving costs! All the guys out there using cartridge systems wind up paying $15-$20 for 4 cartridges that last like a week each.
And the only reason we do it is so you guys don’t get rashes down there!
Then there’s condoms, freaking $6-$8 for 20 cents of latex?! COME ON!
We get ripped a new one just as much as you guys, er girls.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:05 pm bobajob(Quote)
Didn’t you see they had Gillette razors for half price. Equal opportunity discounting
July 7th, 2009 at 1:31 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Yes but women can use our razors too!
Runny noses, weird science experiments and cleaning the kitchen aside – what the hell is a guy going to do with female hygene products?
Razors a loss lead product anyway, it’s not like you’ll ever see the cartridges go on sale. That’s where they make their real money.
July 8th, 2009 at 3:35 pm The bleeding obvious(Quote)
Women shave too! And if you have a decent girlfriend she’ll split the cost of condoms. So you’re still not getting any pity from me
July 8th, 2009 at 3:58 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Not that I’ve had thousands of girlfriends but never ever has one gone ‘hey you know what lets split the condoms!
That’s never happenned to any guy anywhere EVER!
It’s like me going ‘lets split those tampons babe eyyy’. To be fair though I’ve never chipped in for the pill.
Argh, can we at least agree on hating gender specific specials?
July 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm Cuteface(Quote)
um… being a girl, I wouldn’t split the cost of condoms… because when I go on pill, not a single guy split the cost of that for me… now take that!!!
having said that, I have given my guy free condoms every now and then (as I work for health service and do have access for ‘medical’ stuff…
July 13th, 2009 at 9:28 pm Reggie(Quote)
Coles should use the pads/tampons to mopped up the blood on their hands. With this week’s crap promotion of giving away 40c petrol vouchers to be used from the days they up the petrol by 20c, they should be digusted with themselves. All I can say is hurry up Cosco, your arrival is very timely – Australia needs you. I can’t wait to leave this supermarket who constantly rips off the public with their overpriced groceries and petrol.
July 14th, 2009 at 12:01 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Hey Reggie thanks for stopping by.
I too can’t wait for Costco to open up here, I think they’re planning to open now in August some time?
I was planning to ride down, sign up and take some photos of the building progress this weekend and then do a write up.
You can bet i’ll be there when it opens with my camera and virtual notepad ready to blog about it too! (That is if they don’t arrest and cart me away under suspicion of being a Coles/Woolies spy for taking photos lol).
July 16th, 2009 at 8:31 pm Wendy(Quote)
Hey,condoms are GST free and always have been!Seems you guys should think twice
July 16th, 2009 at 11:29 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Oh crap so they are.
Well this is kind of awkward…
Still for what we have to pay in supermarkets for a 10 pack of condoms even with the GST removed that cost 10c to make is utterly criminal for what you guys get for <$5.
If I could buy enough condoms to last a month for <$5 I'd be celebrating in the streets.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:04 pm anon(Quote)
Too too funny. Fixed my blog address.
July 27th, 2009 at 9:37 am the feminist angle(Quote)
1)These products are health products. The Health Minister, Dr Wooldridge, did have the power to determine these products GST-free under Section 38-47 of the GST legislation in the same way he exempted condoms, sunscreens, folate pills and personal lubricants. The subjectivity in choosing when clearly they could have been included with those other products is what has outraged women.
2)My partners have ALWAYS split costs with me for the pill and condoms and I have always taken responsibility for having my own condoms handy in casual encounters. Mutual responsibility for birth control is, in my view, a given.
3) The Coles discount is a complete marketing scam – obviously not really about helping women on any long-term basis so why don’t you petition for condoms AND sanitary items to both be cheaper since they are both health products instead of fighting a just cause! Just because condoms should be cheaper doesn’t mean pads shouldn’t be as well. We don’t have to fight each other for the crumbs this capitalist system throws us! You can put your moral outrage to better use in a way that does not divide men and women.
4) Think about the difference between razors and pads/tampons. What are the alternatives to pads? really only re-usable cloth pads – which still cost money to make or buy. What are the alternatives to razors? A beard. NOT COMPARABLE. I prefer comparing pads/tampons to condoms since they are both HEALTH products.
July 27th, 2009 at 10:22 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Gday fem, whilst I agree with most of what you’re saying I disagree that razors aren’t a neccesity for men.
In a professional environment unless your the CEO or work for Google, beards aren’t looked upon favourably. It’s not so much the beard but the growth leading up to the beard. Therefore men have no other choice other then to shave them off.
Short of laser removal which is permanent there’s no other way to remove stubble other then with a razor.
You guys at least have the option of a re-useable cloth pad…
Sidenote: how do re-usable cloth pads work? Everytime a girls had an ‘accident’ in my bed it’s been a nightmare to get out! Don’t the cloth pads look scungy after a while?
July 27th, 2009 at 11:15 am the feminist angle(Quote)
Fair enough, at least we agree on the important points
Both require initial costs and perhaps some ongoing costs (replacing blades, replacing cloth pads). So I guess that cancels both out as a comparison argument. We’ve both got alternatives; but that’s not the point.
Because remember, while we have the option of cloth pads, “you guys” have the option of an electric shaver
RE: sidenote, haha, I don’t know, ask every woman who ever bled before the mid-1900s; cloth pads were used with a special girdle or belt worn beneath undergarments! I suppose it’s just like cleaning cloth nappies…….I don’t know personally.
P.S. For any woman interested: http://www.moonpads.com.au
July 27th, 2009 at 11:31 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Oh come on electric shavers as a viable alternative?
That’d be like using sandpaper in your underpants!
July 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am the feminist angle(Quote)
haha that inferior, huh? I should have left it at you agreeing with me on almost everything
July 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
electric shavers are horrendous! I bought a Phillips one a few years ago for about $250, used it for 3 weeks and it’s been living in my bathroom cabinet ever since.
Feel kinda ew putting it on ebay and having someone buy it. Sort of like putting a box of tampons up for sale.
August 30th, 2009 at 7:22 pm Steve(Quote)
The Moon Pads link above mentions a product similar to what one of my ex’s used. The thing she had was called the Diva Cup, and she was very satisfied with her purchase.
Also, the great thing about the Diva Cup is that not only does it make a great replacement for tampons, but if you’re having a party and fall short, it also makes for a great shot glass.
That site also sells some contraception bollocks that looks like it’s essentially a kit to help you practise the rhythm method, and we all know that there’s a name for those who use that form of contraception: Parents.
August 30th, 2009 at 7:32 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Uh, the ‘diva cup’ sounds kinda gross.
Without doing ‘google research’ (I’m too scared) is it just a cup you shove up there and hope for the best? Jesus christ i’m a guy and that makes me uncomfortable.
August 30th, 2009 at 10:15 pm Steve(Quote)
Pretty much. It’s a small rubber cup. It acts as both a plug and a recepticle. It has a small rubber stem on the bottom if I recall correctly that you can pinch between two fingers for removal.
It also comes with helpful removal tips to avoid spillage, or should you find yourself unable to get it out due to suction-cup behaviour.
Apparently they’re a good alternative to tampons if you do certain activities, like swimming.
Now that you have the wonderful mental image of a lovely lady utilising such a device, just for giggles, imagine her sneezing.
You’re welcome.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:13 am the feminist angle(Quote)
I just thought I’d respond even tho this isn’t relevant to the original topic, but…
The rhythm method is dodgy because it relies on estimating when a woman ovulates based on previous cycles (and thus relies on regular, “normal” cycles). The method espoused in that website, however, is based on knowing each month, each day even, when a woman is fertile, based on daily temperatures and fertile or infertile cervical mucus (and because of this it works in any cycle, whether ovulation is early, delayed, during breastfeeding, menopause, etc.).
The METHOD failure of this fertility awareness method is as good as the pill but the USER failure is worse (as Steve comically pointed out) because this method takes a lot of discipline (using condoms or abstaining during fertile days, daily temperature taking, etc.). One mistake or misinterpretation or weak moment is all it takes.
But my partner and I have been together for almost a year and a half, and while we do take risks, it’s worked for us so far. But I just wouldn’t recommend it for anyone for whom pregnancy is absolutely not an option, not because of its effectiveness, but because of peoples’ general lack of discipline!
September 1st, 2009 at 11:25 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
I’m the first to admit I’m pretty weak willed when it comes to discipline in that area. Rythym method (I didn’t know that was the name for it at the time) has come up once for me in a relationship due to health problems.
I think the biggest problem is yeah, without sounding gross when you’re horny you’re horny and without the diligent record keeping as mentioned rythym method is a bit useless.
I wouldn’t expect a girl to go to that much trouble just for our sex life so the easier (but less desirable) option was condoms.
There’s nothing worse then wanting some and hearing ‘BUT MY VAGINA ISN’T READY!’ And mind you that goes both ways!
September 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am the feminist angle(Quote)
Rhythm method is NOT the name for it, rhythm method is the dodgy one. FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) is the effective one I was talking about, but requires extreme discipline.
BUT if the girl is willing to do it, you can still have sex ANY TIME you want (trust me) but you just have to use other methods on the FERTILE days.
The big BENEFIT is that, after the woman’s ovulated and the egg has died, you can have barrier-free sex for the rest of the cycle, which is lots of fun. But it’s SO easy to mistake or misinterpret things, it’s not one of those “practice makes perfect” things, you’re either pregnant or you’re not!
October 31st, 2009 at 3:35 am Roly(Quote)
ROFLMAO! Crackup.
Okay, my 2 cents.
When IIIIIII was a youngfellamelad, girls pretended not to know anything relating to condoms, while guys had rings impressed in their wallets in the vain hope that one day; and that come that day it hadn’t utterly vulcanised into a useless rubber doughnut.
But a few years back now, some TV show (sex something city?) fronted a bunch of young women out at a nightclub. Eight out of ten had at least three condoms in her bag, and a few had dozen boxes.
Sounds like crap? I thought so too until I had to do with a pretty typical suburban small pub venue which had condom vending machines in both toilets. The one in the mens had to be refilled weekly, while the one in the girls had to be refilled *daily*. A ratio of at least 5:1.
So I’m just glad that things aren’t quite as stupid as they used to be.
{I can tell you exactly what ‘electronically tested’ means, and the real battle to first get those machines in toilets, where they are now totally taken for granted like the sink.
}
October 31st, 2009 at 9:57 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Wait seriously? What the hell women are going to nightclubs 5 days a week and having sex like it’s candy?? A girl invites me back to her place on a Monday night and I’m starting to feel pretty suspicious… like ‘please don’t ebay my organs’ suspicious!
Ah, this is one of those questions that’s bugged me for as long as I can remember. Time to get some answers…