coles checkout closedAlthough I’m not entirely sure what he was trying to achieve, Coles marketing head Joe Blundell decided to take a potshot at the Australian supermarket industry today labelling it as an industry that needs to improve its image.

“It’s staggering that supermarket retailing in a country like Australia that is so into food should be so backwards — it’s not right,” Mr Blundell said.


I’m going to go ahead and assume that Blundell temporarily forgot that Coles makes up just over a third of the Australian supermarket industry. Unless of course by stating that the industry you make up a third of is backwards you somehow think you absolve yourself of any hand in making it so.

If that is what he’s trying to do I think whoever moved the intelligence from aisle one to the back of his head needs to move it back. Pronto.

Some good did come of his statements though and whilst I can’t shake the mental image that Supermarket’s suggestion boxes still feed directly into industrial shredders, at least the customer service door is still slightly ajar.

Coles, which has recruited MasterChef judge and restaurant owner George Calombaris to help it lift the quality of food lines, was shifting its attention from dictating to customers to listening to them Blundell said.


With that in mind I decided to share a piece of my mind when it comes to shopping at Coles and why they’ve long lost me as a customer. Oh, and it’s got nothing to do with saving money.



1. Using celebrity endorsements to sell groceries

I’ve never watched Masterchef and don’t ever plan to. Still, even if I did Coles’ recent announcement to hire George Calombaris as the spokesperson for their ‘lifting the quality of their food lines’ department does absolutely nothing for me.

Sure I can understand why they chose George “half the country wants to sleep with him” Calombaris over Julie “bulldog face” Goodwin but I can’t help but ask why choose someone at all?

I mean has anyone ever honestly found themselves standing outside an adjacent Coles and Safeway thinking to themselves ‘you know what, I’m really leaning towards Safeway here but something about Lisa McCune’s perky breasts just keeps dragging me back towards Coles.’

I don’t think so.

I mean what, George Calombaris endorses Coles so all of a sudden Chinese factories start producing wonderful food? Where the hell was he shopping before the endorsement deal?

Really guys using celebrities to sell groceries doesn’t make all that much sense. When I see myself in the kitchen cooking up a storm the image of a short fat greek bloke doesn’t enter the equation.



2. Grabby McGrab grab at the salad bar

I noticed about six months ago now that after an absence and abhorrently priced $20 a kilo tub of salad alternative, that Coles had finally brought back their boxes of self serve salad.

What I’d forgotten about during the absence was just how disgusting it is to stand there and watch some moron dip their hands into the tubs and scoop up salad into their plastic bags. Once their done your left standing there looking at the 3/4 full tub of salad just wanting to punch the guy in the face.

Now I’ve even gone so far as to ask some random guy once why he thought it best to ignore the tongs placed right next to the boxes (yes I enjoy getting myself into suicidal confrontations). His answer was that the tongs were so incredibly dirty that there was no way his hands could be any more bacteria ridden so why bother?

I had a look at the tongs and was forced to agree.

I still didn’t want to touch the salad because in my head every person that uses their hands to grab fresh products does so because they’ve just finished furiously masturbating in their car before coming into the store. Buying the salad for my lunch I really didn’t want to sit at work all week thinking about that with each bite.

Still, the guy had a point. By the evening the salad tongs are usually caked in crusty bits of dried lettuce and green slime goop from the bottom of a tub that was left out the back too long.

Needless to say I don’t buy any salad from Coles anymore.



3. Keeping condoms BEHIND the service desk

I know condoms probably rank up there in terms of items guy are probably going to try and steal but behind the service desk? Really?

I’m not a big fan of the condom so I tend not to use them much. As such I don’t really have a favourite brand or variety. ‘Durex’ and ‘Ansell’ are about as in-depth as my knowledge on the intricacies of condoms goes.

Do you know how freaking alarming it is to discover all of a sudden you’re no longer free to peruse the different boxes and come to an informed decision in your own leisurely time?

What? I have to walk up the service desk and ASK an employee for a box of condoms in a variety I can’t barely make out because they are just out of reading range? And god help me if I want to compare boxes as the queue behind me starts to get restless and the counter girl starts to think I’m getting off on the whole experience.

Worse still my local Coles has a bad habit of putting their oldest most crabby female employee on the service desk. Jesus Christ I feel like I’m buying condoms from my mother.

‘honey what is it? Is it me?’

‘no damn it I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT FREAKING SERVICE DESK WOMAN WHO HANDED ME THE BOX.’

Whoever came up with the ridiculous idea of keeping the condoms behind the desk is clearly a virgin.



4. “Do you have a flybuys card?”

Guys it’s 2009 and Flybuys started in 1994. I think anyone who wants a card has got one by now.

I swear the next time somebody asks me whether I have a Flybuys card or not I’m just going to throw my hands up in the air and run from the store screaming “RAPERAPERAPE!” at the top of my lungs.



5. 50ft long Delis

The deli at my local Coles is the length of thirteen football fields. Seriously, you have the roast chickens, the salads, the meats, A GIANT SPACE OF NOTHING and then riiiiiiiight on the end of nowhere you have the fish.

Seriously the last time I tried to buy some fish I lost a week of my life. I don’t know where it went but it’s gone. GONE!

The ticket counter machine thing is never turned on either but even if it was, you can’t hear anything down at the fish end so it’d be useless anyway.

No instead you’re forced to stand there like a muppet and watch half the store get served before you until you finally crack it and march down to get somebodies attention. I tried flailing my arms around wildly once for a while but security tapped me on the shoulder and told me I had to leave.

Without my fish…


Currently my shopping split between Aldi and Coles with a rough cut of about 80% and 20% respectively. The reason for this is Aldi milk tastes a bit funny and Coles just does some things better. Milo is only available in tiny crappy tins from Aldi for example.

With Costco just about to open it’s doors on the 19th of this month I think statements like the Australian supermarket industry is backwards is a sign that the current players are nervous.

Personally I feel it’s too little too late. I’m sick of feeling like I need to apply some kind anal lube before my weekly shopping trip and I can’t wait for Costco to completely change how I do my shopping.

Sorry Coles but you’re not winning me back any time soon.



Related posts that might interest you:
  1. MORAL OUTRAGE: Coles offer gender specific specials!
  2. Coles’ selfserve checkouts are the stupidest idea ever
  3. 5 tips on shopping at Costco Melbourne @ Docklands
  4. Shopping at Costco in Taiwan
  5. OMG: Australian public still hate parking inspectors