5 reasons I hate shopping at Coles Supermarkets
Although I’m not entirely sure what he was trying to achieve, Coles marketing head Joe Blundell decided to take a potshot at the Australian supermarket industry today labelling it as an industry that needs to improve its image.
“It’s staggering that supermarket retailing in a country like Australia that is so into food should be so backwards — it’s not right,” Mr Blundell said.
I’m going to go ahead and assume that Blundell temporarily forgot that Coles makes up just over a third of the Australian supermarket industry. Unless of course by stating that the industry you make up a third of is backwards you somehow think you absolve yourself of any hand in making it so.
If that is what he’s trying to do I think whoever moved the intelligence from aisle one to the back of his head needs to move it back. Pronto.
Some good did come of his statements though and whilst I can’t shake the mental image that Supermarket’s suggestion boxes still feed directly into industrial shredders, at least the customer service door is still slightly ajar.
Coles, which has recruited MasterChef judge and restaurant owner George Calombaris to help it lift the quality of food lines, was shifting its attention from dictating to customers to listening to them Blundell said.
With that in mind I decided to share a piece of my mind when it comes to shopping at Coles and why they’ve long lost me as a customer. Oh, and it’s got nothing to do with saving money.
1. Using celebrity endorsements to sell groceries
I’ve never watched Masterchef and don’t ever plan to. Still, even if I did Coles’ recent announcement to hire George Calombaris as the spokesperson for their ‘lifting the quality of their food lines’ department does absolutely nothing for me.
Sure I can understand why they chose George “half the country wants to sleep with him” Calombaris over Julie “bulldog face” Goodwin but I can’t help but ask why choose someone at all?
I mean has anyone ever honestly found themselves standing outside an adjacent Coles and Safeway thinking to themselves ‘you know what, I’m really leaning towards Safeway here but something about Lisa McCune’s perky breasts just keeps dragging me back towards Coles.’
I don’t think so.
I mean what, George Calombaris endorses Coles so all of a sudden Chinese factories start producing wonderful food? Where the hell was he shopping before the endorsement deal?
Really guys using celebrities to sell groceries doesn’t make all that much sense. When I see myself in the kitchen cooking up a storm the image of a short fat greek bloke doesn’t enter the equation.
2. Grabby McGrab grab at the salad bar
I noticed about six months ago now that after an absence and abhorrently priced $20 a kilo tub of salad alternative, that Coles had finally brought back their boxes of self serve salad.
What I’d forgotten about during the absence was just how disgusting it is to stand there and watch some moron dip their hands into the tubs and scoop up salad into their plastic bags. Once their done your left standing there looking at the 3/4 full tub of salad just wanting to punch the guy in the face.
Now I’ve even gone so far as to ask some random guy once why he thought it best to ignore the tongs placed right next to the boxes (yes I enjoy getting myself into suicidal confrontations). His answer was that the tongs were so incredibly dirty that there was no way his hands could be any more bacteria ridden so why bother?
I had a look at the tongs and was forced to agree.
I still didn’t want to touch the salad because in my head every person that uses their hands to grab fresh products does so because they’ve just finished furiously masturbating in their car before coming into the store. Buying the salad for my lunch I really didn’t want to sit at work all week thinking about that with each bite.
Still, the guy had a point. By the evening the salad tongs are usually caked in crusty bits of dried lettuce and green slime goop from the bottom of a tub that was left out the back too long.
Needless to say I don’t buy any salad from Coles anymore.
3. Keeping condoms BEHIND the service desk
I know condoms probably rank up there in terms of items guy are probably going to try and steal but behind the service desk? Really?
I’m not a big fan of the condom so I tend not to use them much. As such I don’t really have a favourite brand or variety. ‘Durex’ and ‘Ansell’ are about as in-depth as my knowledge on the intricacies of condoms goes.
Do you know how freaking alarming it is to discover all of a sudden you’re no longer free to peruse the different boxes and come to an informed decision in your own leisurely time?
What? I have to walk up the service desk and ASK an employee for a box of condoms in a variety I can’t barely make out because they are just out of reading range? And god help me if I want to compare boxes as the queue behind me starts to get restless and the counter girl starts to think I’m getting off on the whole experience.
Worse still my local Coles has a bad habit of putting their oldest most crabby female employee on the service desk. Jesus Christ I feel like I’m buying condoms from my mother.
‘honey what is it? Is it me?’
‘no damn it I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT FREAKING SERVICE DESK WOMAN WHO HANDED ME THE BOX.’
Whoever came up with the ridiculous idea of keeping the condoms behind the desk is clearly a virgin.
4. “Do you have a flybuys card?”
Guys it’s 2009 and Flybuys started in 1994. I think anyone who wants a card has got one by now.
I swear the next time somebody asks me whether I have a Flybuys card or not I’m just going to throw my hands up in the air and run from the store screaming “RAPERAPERAPE!” at the top of my lungs.
5. 50ft long Delis
The deli at my local Coles is the length of thirteen football fields. Seriously, you have the roast chickens, the salads, the meats, A GIANT SPACE OF NOTHING and then riiiiiiiight on the end of nowhere you have the fish.
Seriously the last time I tried to buy some fish I lost a week of my life. I don’t know where it went but it’s gone. GONE!
The ticket counter machine thing is never turned on either but even if it was, you can’t hear anything down at the fish end so it’d be useless anyway.
No instead you’re forced to stand there like a muppet and watch half the store get served before you until you finally crack it and march down to get somebodies attention. I tried flailing my arms around wildly once for a while but security tapped me on the shoulder and told me I had to leave.
Without my fish…
Currently my shopping split between Aldi and Coles with a rough cut of about 80% and 20% respectively. The reason for this is Aldi milk tastes a bit funny and Coles just does some things better. Milo is only available in tiny crappy tins from Aldi for example.
With Costco just about to open it’s doors on the 19th of this month I think statements like the Australian supermarket industry is backwards is a sign that the current players are nervous.
Personally I feel it’s too little too late. I’m sick of feeling like I need to apply some kind anal lube before my weekly shopping trip and I can’t wait for Costco to completely change how I do my shopping.
Sorry Coles but you’re not winning me back any time soon.





August 4th, 2009 at 9:07 am The count(Quote)
Good read. One minor typo – it’s Joe, not James Blundell – perhaps confusing fresh country produce with fresh country music…
Re Calombaris/McCune – no doubt you’ve got the entire advertising industry choking on their decaf chai lattes this morning. To think, all those $billions in creating brand image gone to waste over all those years – and now PROOF that it doesn’t influence shopping behaviour!
August 4th, 2009 at 9:50 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
As for the advertising industry, honestly who comes up with these stupid multi million dollar endorsements? I can understand Sports people endorsing sports products and using them, or Myer/DJ with the models wearing the products to make women thing they’ll look like them but for groceries?
It’s not like all of sudden I’m going to get a rimjob with a tin of milo because Calombaris is endorsing Coles groceries. The product is exactly the same no matter where you buy it from!
August 4th, 2009 at 11:24 am The count(Quote)
“The product is exactly the same no matter where you buy it from”. Without doubt. It’s just that for years and years all manner of companies have gone to untold trouble to challenge that notion in favour of their brand. Take petrol for example – care to estimate how much the likes of Shell have invested in their brand over the years? The Shell logo is one of the world’s most identifiable symbols, is one of that company’s greatest assets, is heavily invested in and jealously guarded. And yet at the end of the day, Shell flogs petrol that is for all intents and purposes indistinguishable from the same stuff gushing out of BP, Mobil and Caltex pumps. I think the point I’m trying to make is that in the world of retail, rightly or wrongly, there’s a conviction that some of this marketing stuff actually works.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:00 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
I don’t think I’ve ever bought fuel based off someone’s logo. The ironic thing is unless you drive a souped up doof machine most people buy petrol based on what’s closer to them and/or what the price billboard says.
At least that’s how I think it works, I’ve never really met anyone who’s fanatical about a particular petrol station company. I do remember Shell octane getting a bit of a cult following when it came out though.
One thing I’m looking forward to Costco is they don’t waste their time advertising. They simply rely on their prices to get people in the door and this no-nonsense attitude is how the entire supermarket industry should be.
I’m really hoping they do well and show Coles/Woolies you don’t need multi-million dollar advertising campaigns to be succesfull, just a good business strategy.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:12 pm The count(Quote)
I don’t think anyone has ever (consciously) bought fuel based on a logo. Nor do I believe anyone is “fanatical” about an oil company. But the point I’m (possibly unsuccessfully) trying to make is that, for better or worse, and to the tune of large sums of money, advertisers believe they can influence buying behaviour. Were Nike runners say any more functional than their competitors? Were Nike T-shirts made of better material than their competitors? Then why was that brand particularly successful.
Costco’s move is interesting and a few eyes will be on them. Their buy-in-excessive-quantities membership model is an undoubted hit in the US, but less so in Europe. And price is an important element, but not the only element.
August 4th, 2009 at 4:22 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Oh I totally see your point and agree branding is important. Nike is a wonderful example of this.
I do conciously avoid the independants even if they’re cheaper as I can’t help but stereotype that they’re running dodgy 300% ethanol blends so in that sense it does work. Which of the main players I buy from though I’m not terribly fussed on.
Using a celebrity endorsement for groceries though is a bit different as I don’t think it’s pushing the Coles logo or brand per say. It’s just saying ‘hey guys some random celeb thinks we’re great, buy from us!’
Was it Tiger Woods Nike used to sell shoes? Same sort of deal there, some golf player who makes more then the GDP of Australia in a year doesn’t make me want to rush out and buy Nike either.
I think the celebrity endorsement model is mostly dead but it is amusing to watch the marketing director for Coles proclaim the supermarket industry is backwards in Australia, and then proceed to roll out Colambaris.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:20 am VV4yn0(Quote)
Yup – that and also most of their petrol stations dont have toilets.
What sort of bloody garage doesn’t have a toilet? (except one run by tightarses who wont provide a service that doesn’t return a profit. Took me three times stopping, filling up while squirming then going in to find they don’t have a toilet before I made the vow NEVER to stop at one again, needing the loo or not.
August 5th, 2009 at 12:03 pm Jenny(Quote)
Re the celebrity endorsements… they can’t get more stupid than the celebrities endorsing ‘do it yourself’ hair colours. Now come on do we really think Sarah Jessica Parker sits at home doing her own hair colour… surely all that money could be put to use for a trip to the hairdressers.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:18 pm Citizen D(Quote)
Celebrity supermarket endorsement is actually quite important. It’s MORE important when you are selling exactly the same thing as the guy down the road. People are sheep and will go where they are told by people they admire. If George Columbaris does his shopping at Coles than Mrs. Jones thinks that if she does her shopping there, then her lacklustre cooking will suddenly improve. So I do actually get that part. What they need is innovation and they can start with airhorns on the trolleys. I’ll even pay for the privilege. See if I have to stop and peruse I have this crazy notion of being aware of my surroundings and doing my perusing without getting in anyone’s way. Old lady wants to get past? There you go ma’am, have a good day. It would appear 95% of the population are happy to park thier trolley across one half width of the aisle and then plant their arse in the rest while they stare stupidly at the gourmet dog food. Often they are three deep. Enter the air horn. Timed just as they are getting that tin down from a high shelf. awwOOOOOOoogaaa!
August 12th, 2009 at 3:21 pm Lynette Dailey(Quote)
I loved Coles until recently when they introduced very large deep trolleys that I cannot even reach the bottom of. So I took the smaller flat top trolley around the store and guess what all my groceries would not fit in it. What do they think that all shoppers are six foot monsters. Yes I am going to have to do my weekly shop else where. Short Shopper
August 13th, 2009 at 12:39 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Those aren’t those new red basket trolley things on wheels are they? They are floor level so pulling stuff out of them onto the conveyor belt is quite the task!
I also imagine pulling or pushing that weight around with such a low centre of gravity can’t be too good on your back either. Terrible, terrible design.
February 7th, 2010 at 10:03 am Kim(Quote)
I have a story that tops all of these… Yip !! Hurray for me when I happen to see in coles Surry hills…. A freaking dad rat, squashed in between the grills that line the bottom of the meat displays.
I tried to report it to the witchy woman who works on the front desk and she seriously had me kicked out for making a scene !!
Can you believe it?? I am shocked and appalled and I am going to post this on as many sites as possible, since coles themselves treated me with such a lack of respect as well as the lack of respect shown to their fresh product by treating vermin as more welcome and trusted than their own customers.
Please help by passing on this experience to others. So appalled !!
February 9th, 2010 at 12:39 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Eeeeeeeeeeeeew.
Wouldn’t a dead rat stink to high heaven if it was decomposing in the fan grills? Surely the produce guys should have picked that up well before you did!