Fashion is something that can’t defend itself. When somebody out there commits crimes against fashion there’s no investigation, no justice and certainly nobody out there defending fashion’s rights.

Over the years Brynne Edelsten has brought us some of the most horrendous crimes against fashion ever heard of. Like a bull rampaging up and down a catwalk Edelsten has continually shown complete disregard for fashion. Each public appearance bringing with it the need for years of psycho therapy and counselling to any involved.

As if exposing this sort horrendous torture to fashion wasn’t bad enough, Fox FM have now hired Edelsten to be their fashion reporter on the Logies red carpet.

This is the fashion equivalent of asking the Catholic Church to host the annual anti-pedophilia awards.

Brynne Edelsten first popped onto my radar when photo’s of her disaster of an ensemble emerged from the 2009 Brownlow medal. I still stand by what I wrote back then;

Oh dear. Whoever told Brynne Gordon this was a good look needs hand in their fashion license immediately.Seriously nobody thought to tell Gordon that looking like a Las Vegas Stripper dressed for the winter wasn’t a good idea?

Sure plastic sculpted breasts deserve their moment in the spotlight as much as any other breasts but there’s a time and a place.

…oh my god IT’S A SEQUIN BIKINI!

I’m going to hope that Gordon had someone tell her what to wear and that this wasn’t an organic creation. Even if it was, I hope she seriously considers hiring someone and then firing them just so she can claim it wasn’t her idea. That’s a career ender costume right there.


Sadly it seems Brynne’s career as a professional fashion disaster didn’t end at the Brownlow awards and her clothing sense has gone from bad to worse then the holocaust.

Exhibit one on the right showcases one of the most unflattering dresses I’ve ever seen on a woman. Unless you were auditioning for a roll of an Ent on a Lord of the Rings movie, there’s simply no excuse.

Actually scrap that, I’ve seen more attractive tree trunks.

Aside from the blue color clash, the bikini top part of the dress is barely passable but what on earth happened to the red bit. It just flops down like a curtain. Almost as if Brynne is packing a mattress wrapped around her abdomen under there or something.

The footballers knees certainly aren’t helping either, let alone the completely out of place black strap sandals; which I can only assume were added in an attempt to salvage the long departed remains of class that once might have inhabited them.

One of the biggest ironies here is that for some reason the media often refer to Edelsten as a ‘curvy blonde‘.

Please, I’ve seen more curves on a straight line.

This next dress poses only one question: Just what the hell goes through your mind when you decide this is what you want to wear out?

Some clothes are just so trashy you could put them in the filthiest garbage dump on Earth and they’d still make the place dirtier.

The completely out of place earrings and hooker makeup do absolutely nothing to complement whatever semblance of dignity is struggling to be preserved.

I like breasts as much as the next guy but that bust line looks ridiculously suppressed. That’s not fashion, that’s freaking breast torture. The thin shoulder strap isn’t fooling anyone either, there’s obviously one hell of a chunky padlock attached to that back strap.

Imagine if I just walked up to some random girl and started squeezing her breasts as hard as I could. That’s exactly what’s happening here. WHERE’S THE OUTRAGE?!

Finally there’s this number on the right. The only thing worse then this dress is the ‘what the crap?!’ burning sensation that affects your eyes after laying eyes on it.

I wear a lot of black tshirts and am a big fan of the color (all you ‘but black is a shade!’ people can shove it), yet this dress is almost enough to turn me off black forever.

Why, for the love of god WHY, would you wear a dress that makes your breasts look lopsided. And don’t give me any of that ‘waaah but it’s the angle!’ crap. Something is seriously offside there and I’m pretty sure Edelsten’s not wearing any football boots.

Accentuating the lopsided breasts is then a shiny black belt. Like honestly, why even bother? If you’re going to wear a belt with a black dress why not make it tastefully contrast? Black on black is kinda pointless and dull.

Oh and what is the white crap at the bottom of the dress? It looks like Brynne’s just walked out of the toilet with half a roll of home brand toilet paper still hanging off her bum. Either that or she stapled some laundry bags to her dress and called it personal fashion.

Sadly, it appears Brynne is still under the delusion that she’s hot to trot on the Australian fashion circuit.

Brynne “Flash Gordon” Edelsten is promising to stand out on the red carpet when she makes her Logies debut on Sunday.

The curvy blonde – whose dare-to-bare fashion sense and unique black-tie style has made her a publicity magnet in the past year – has promised not to tone it down.


Looks like fashion’s going to have to lube up and be prepared to take another hammering. Brynne doesn’t need to turn down her fashion sense so much as turn it the hell off.

Fortunately Fox FM is a radio station, so unless Brynne’s costume is so atrocious that the television networks decide to pick it up, at least Fox FM listeners won’t be exposed visually to whatever Edelsten decides to wear.

Still for some the very sound of Brynne Edelsten’s voice might be enough to invoke nightmare visual memories that had been previously suppressed.

I’m not a religious person but this Sunday when Edelsten steps out onto the red carpet, may god have mercy on us all; most of all on fashion itself.

1. Never use football and fashion in the same sentence
2. Hey feminism, stay the hell out of our schools
3. Black glasses with no lens: Stupid Taiwanese fashion
4. Fashionable Teeth Braces: Asian fashion just got worse
5. Foxtail fashion and scooters in Taiwan