For thousands of years now women have been trapping men in relationships with the ‘but I’m pregnant’ line. Arguably less effective today now that we live in an age of McAbortion drive-thru clinics and the fact that moral responsibility has long since gone out the window, the trap is still however alive and kicking.

Men have never really had a counter to this other then ‘I have lots of money leave me and you’ll have nothing’. This usually works but you have to trap yourself a certain type of female golddigger first.

Over in the Northern Territory one man seems to have found the answer to trapping women in relationships which is much more profitable then threatening them with financial ruin. His contribution to the arsenal of relationship blackmail comes in the form of a modern-age disease.

Faking testicular cancer.

“Faking cancer? How the hell did he manage to pull that off?” you might ask. Well this gentlemen was certainly dedicated to the cause. Method acting is an understatement.

He pretended to receive chemotherapy and even went as far as to shave his head to maintain the act.

The man would also run into the bathroom and make noises as though he was throwing up.

And he told her he had already lost a testicle through cancer – and replaced it with a false one.


To do this convincingly you either need to be damn good at acting or be exclusively dating pinheads. I’m going to go with pinheads.

Not only did he dupe his current girlfriend into believing him, he even went as far as to have an affair and get some other pinhead to pay cash in hand for his medical treatment.

This is quite the feat given that as far as I can tell testicular cancer costs upwards of $50,000 for the chemo treatment alone. What’s more is that testicular cancer is covered under Australian medicare too!

Getting back to pinhead #1 though, what amazed me is the fact that it wasn’t until she called the hospital and learnt that

a. he wasn’t there and

b. his doctor didn’t exist

that the scheme fell apart. Surely a prosthetic testicle is an easy thing to confirm?

He told me he only had one nut and had a prosthetic one put in.

To me, they felt exactly the same, but how was I to know.


As a guy, when a woman tells me (or confirms after I’ve raised suspicion, in a subtle manner of course) that she’s had breast surgery the first thing I want to do is touch and squeeze them.

Yes this does make for some awkward social situations but somewhere buried deep in the male psych is the want to compare fake titties to real ones. Believe me, gauging the touch difference is just as important as gauging the visual difference.

Nothing is more irritating then sitting opposite a pair of breasts all night and wondering what they feel like. Seriously, in this situation we’re talking watermelon sized blue balls by the end of the night here.

Now for all you women out there I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the exact same thing applies to our testicles. If a guy ever tells you he’s had an implant put in, look him in dead in the eye, reach down there and squeeze.

If he doesn’t flinch, you’re onto a winner (unless you want to have kids, in which case start running).

If he collapses into a heap and starts yelping in pain you’ve just been had. While he’s writhing in pain on the ground give him a few kicks in the nads as a lesson for trying it on.


Some notes:

When he tells you he’s had his left or right testicle removed, be aware that when you’re facing him it will be your OPPOSITE left or right respectively. DO NOT STUFF THIS UP. Squeezing the wrong testicle is likely to elicit an  ‘abused puppy’ response from the guy and he will never forgive you.

Unless you’re comfortable with him using it to get his way for the rest of the relationship (and he will, squeezing the wrong testicle is like biting hard on your nipples – it’s not an experience you forget), DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SQUEEZE THE WRONG ONE!

Make sure you don’t do the squeeze test in a confined space. I know Australia says no to violence against women and everything but to be perfectly honest if a guy is lying and has his testicles squeezed, all that non-violence rhetoric goes out the window.

He’s not going to lay into you but you might get pushed aside… make sure you’re in an open space with plenty of fall room. Again, this isn’t a voluntary reaction it’s just that squeezing a live testicle hurts like holy hell.

To all the future would-be scammed women of Australia: You’re welcome.

1. $11.5 million for a security council seat? Get real Rudd.