So I’m sitting there this morning eating my sultana flakes seeing what’s happened overnight in the world. Thirty seconds later I’m staring at Kyle Sandilands trying to be seductive.

I spent the next five minutes cleaning a cocktail of saliva, milk and mushed up sultana flakes off my monitor.

Jesus christ I thought my eyes bled when I saw the women of Miss Tattoo Australia… but this, this brought on a full scale eyeball hemorrhage.

I don’t know whether to thank whoever invented airbrushing for enabling the graphics people at Ralph to spare us gritty details, or to punch them in the face for giving Ralph the idea that with a little bit lot of airbrushing, Australia would be able to stomach the flab fest.

From the obvious overweightness to the sporadic body hair, (Sandilands appears to have a hair bra and then hairless stomach what the hell?), to the pasty skin to the blingy chains to the poor pelt he’s lying on – is there anything to like about this photo?

“Hey grandkids gather around I’m going to share with you that time I featured as a beached whale in a soft core pornography magazine!”

‘Oh wow grandpa that sounds ace!”

‘Back in those days they were called magazines, ah here we go. There!”

‘…’

‘Muuuuum, uncy Kyle’s photo touched me in my special place, I wanna go home.’

I know the motif is all renaissancey but seriously what’s with the bowl of fruit in the background. I mean seriously does this porkie pie look like he eats fruit??!

‘Veg-ah-tah-bal? No I haven’t met him, and I’m not interested. Well unless we can strap a lie detector to him and make a quick buck – call his agent.’

Then there’s the question of who’s got bigger boobs, Kyle or Tamara. Again I don’t know if it’s the airbrushing or not but gravity seems to be being suspiciously kind to Kyle in the image.

Seriously Ralph, you guys publish a mens magazine. Some fifteen year old is going to be flipping through the pages jerking off and then Kyle Sandilands is going to happen.

Is viagra available for minors because they’re sure as hell gunna need it. Poor kids penis is going to retract so far up into his rectum if he ever wants to have children they’re going to need a FREAKING 40 FT OIL DRILL to get a sperm sample.

I understand marketing and that any publicity is good publicity but cmon, what on earth is the angle here? What makes you get up and decide one day that this will be a good idea? ARGH SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE.

Sandilands tells how he has parties at home where “girls strip to their bras and panties and dirty dance on the coffee table”.

“And I sit there smoking a big bong-looking pipe thing like some filthy old guy on an Asian sex tour,” he says.


Apart from sounding like that little fat kid nobody believed on school camp telling stories around a campfire “yeah no she really is a twenty seven year old supermodel she’s hot. You all just can’t meet her because she doesn’t like hanging out with immature teenagers’, what the crap do we need to know about Kyle sitting in the corner masturbating with a bong and a porn dvd?

Seriously the image, look at those greasy palms.. oh my god.

I can only hope the entire set was burnt to the ground at the conclusion of the photo shoot and the ashes locked in a box to be catapulted into space, never to return.

Ralph magazine just gave me impotence.

1. VICTORY: Kyle Sandilands & Jackie O taken off the air!
2. Sandilands vs Hughesy on Twitter – who won?
3. Radio rape confession: Blame the mother not Sandilands
4. Miss Tattoo Australia makes my eyes bleed
5. Culling camels makes Australia a third world country?