sleepwalkingerectionIn the next chapter of ‘creating a medical condition to absolve people of criminal acts’, society can now add rape, incest and physical abuse to the adage “I could do that in my sleep”.

When I first read about sexsomnia I raised more then a few eyebrows. I only have two eyebrows but the concept was such a blatant removal of responsibility that I felt compelled to walk outside the office and raise the eyebrows of anyone I could fine.

By the end of the day I’d physically raised one hundred and ninety three pairs of eyebrows. When I returned to the office with my blistered fingers my boss asked where the hell I’d been for the last seven hours.

I told him that I’d been sleep eyebrowing and had no recollection of the time spent away from my desk.

I didn’t lose my job so I can only assume sleep eyebrowing is now a genuine medical condition and I can now claim disability payments and raise the eyebrows of anyone I see fit without consequence.

Sexsomnia was used recently as a defense in a Northern Territory court. 48 year old Leonard Andrew Spencer had just recently come out of a marriage and then decided to hop into bed with 21 year old house guest and proceeded to rape her.

His lawyers claimed he was depressed and broken up over the collapse of his marriage and they had a psychiatrist testify that he may or may not have suffered from sex sleep. The verdict?

Innocent.

Now there was some uproar over this decision but it had nothing to do with the absolute horse shit defense of ‘I was asleep at the time’. No, the Australian courts are perfectly happy with the sleep sex defense but what got the government’s knickers in a twist was the fact that Mr. Spencer’s lawyers called the expert witness unannounced.

Rushing to correct this clearly gross abuse of a loophole the NT government passed legislation that prevents the calling up of expert witnesses without prior notice.

So as you can see, as long as you claim sex sleep from the start you’ve really got nothing to worry about as this wonderful precedent will pave the way for ‘not guilty’ sentences for years to come.

Oh and don’t worry females, the sleep sex defense isn’t discriminatory so you can you use it too. Although you might have a harder time doing so as let’s face it, when was the last time a guy woke up to find a girl screwing his brains out while she was asleep. Although now that I think about it, female sleep sex might just shed some light on a few morning-after rape cases.

Curious to see if this condition was more then the byproduct of a few rounds of petrol sniffing in the Australian outback I jumped onto google and found that there are legitimate websites full of information on this terrible ‘disease’.

Sleepsex.org is filled with hilarious anecdotes from bewildered spouses looking for someone to tell them their partners didn’t mean it and perputrators just looking for an excuse to get out of taking responsibility for their actions.

Thankfully there’s a cure for this horrible disease. For every made up condition there’s always a drug company willing to come to the rescue and provide us with miracle drugs to cure us. Sleep expert patient Florence Cardinal recommends the drug clonazepam (Klonopin) for sexsomnia “sufferers”. So if you’re planning on raping a bunch of people and then pulling the sex sleep defense it might be worthwhile having a few bottles of this stuff in the medicine cabinet.

You know, for credibility and all that.

Personally I look forward to this new age of sleep defense. If you can get away with sleep sex why not sleep theft, sleep murder or sleep child abuse? I mean hell even if the crime you choose to commit isn’t covered by the sleep-defense you could always just claim you were not really present during your time in court and push for a sleep trial. That’s got to be worth a shot.

Personally I plan to make great use of the sleep defense. From now on anytime somebody says something I don’t agree with instead of getting into a messy argument about why I’ll just claim to have not heard due to my sleep-work or sleep-relationship relationship illness, depending on who it is I’m disagreeing with at the time.

In fact maybe I’m asleep now and this is all just a sleep blog that I’m going to one day discover and have no recollection of having ever contributed to.

The possibilities are endless.