Ever since I wrote about my massage experience at Geisha in Melbourne I’ve noticed every Friday and Saturday night search queries for ‘happy ending massage’ popping up on my traffic stats.

Happy ending massage wasn’t even mentioned in the original Geisha article but instead wound up being an offside comment left as feedback. Still, who am I to judge what search terms people use to bring themselves to OzSoapbox.

In the spirit of it being Saturday night, I thought I’d hit the internet in search of answers and give these readers a…uh, helping hand.

Personally the idea of a happy ending massage has never appealed to me. I just can’t keep my hands to myself and I don’t really think that’s fair to the poor girl just trying to do her job.

Last thing I want is to be carted off by security because I stuffed up happy ending massage protocol or something.

As for where to get one? Well it’s not something I’ve ever had to look up. I mean sure like any other guy I’ve seen the dodgy looking places in Footscray that appear to be massage parlours running out of someone’s home but I’ve never actually stopped to ask.

(I did think about ringing a few of these places but soon realised I wouldn’t be able to call up and ask if a place did happy ending massages with a straight face).

Of course these could just be legit Asian massage parlours, but with stories like this hitting the news every so often, I’m thinking the stereotype exists for a reason.

The pair was charged over a scheme in which a Thai woman, known as KW, came to Australia to work as a prostitute.

The court heard clients would pay $125 for half an hour of sex, with $50 of that amount going towards paying off KW’s debt.

She worked from 11am to 2am and would see as many as 16 clients in that time.

What the hell, 16 clients a day… eww much?

My personal lack of interest in getting a happy ending massage could also have something to do with the fact that I imagine most masseurs who supplement their massages with a happy ending look something like this:

miss-natalieGentlemen meet Miss Natalie.

Miss Natalie offers happy ending massages in Melbourne and describes herself as having “seriously  attractive  physical  looks”.

…no, really.

She also mentions prostate milking an awful lot on her website. I’m not quite sure what exactly the deal with prostate milking is (yes I looked at the diagram), but I’m assuming it’s so that she can introduce herself as a prostatologist and avoid the awkward pause when people ask her what she does for a living.

At $185-$245 an hour I’m pretty sure I’d be declaring bankruptcy before getting off.

Sydney on the other hand seem to be light years ahead of Melbourne when it comes to happy ending massages and have commercialised the service.

Kings Court Erotic Massage offer up a somewhat amusing PDF about the ins and outs of getting a happy ending massage. The setup seems to be above board although I’m not too sure about waiting in a lounge style waiting area.

To me a whole bunch of guys sitting around chatting whilst waiting their turn for a rub and tug definitely rates up there in experiences I hope I never have. I mean seriously, what are you going to talk about… the weather?

Still at $155 for an hour it sounds a hell of a lot better than getting your prostate milked.

Special mention goes to the Jade Lotus Tantra Massage in Melbourne. If only because I can’t work out what on earth they are about.

Jade Lotus explain that

because Tantra is a mystical subject, it is nearly impossible to define. Even eminent scholars have had a hard time explaining what Tantra actually is. The different explanations of Tantra indicate its multifaceted nature. Tantra is a spiritual science, which means it is also mystical, in its interconnectedness, the holistic wisdom link between ourselves and the universe we inhabit.

but then they advertise


Both practitioners tantilising your every whim. Both of them have you as their sole perogative. Guiding you into an ecstatic sensation of mind and body.

This is not for the faint hearted.

Two chicks at the same time? Well I know what that sounds like to me… they also go on about ejaculation control a lot too. Apparently holding it in is a good thing (?).

Sorry guys, not convinced.

Who’d have thunk getting a happy ending massage could be so confusing? Still, whether you’re paying uggles mcpuggles for a 1  on 1 session, sitting in a room with a bunch of guys waiting your turn or going along to a religious enlightening experience because you feel less dirty, there definitely seems to be enough variety to cater to the individual.

Good luck out there guys, this is one article I’m kinda glad I didn’t take the hands on approach over.

Footnote: I’ve been advised that as of September 28th 2012, Jade Lotus Tantra has changed ownership and that Sheyl Yekenkurul is no longer the owner.

The new owner of Jade Lotus informs me that Jade Lotus now only offer “a non sexual massage”.