...."What recession? How to get rich in Australia
The following method is 100% guaranteed to make you a millionaire. It is completely recession proof but will only work when Labor is in power.
Get in on the ground floor of this exciting business opportunity before Kevin Rudd’s term is up.
Step 1
Stop shaving for 3 months. During these three months enrol yourself in Arabic classes and learn the language.
If it takes you 6 months to learn it don’t shave for 6 months.
Step 2
Jump on a plane to Afghanistan. During the flight grab a copy of Reader’s Digest and memorise one of the articles.
Alternatively if you don’t want the authentic experience just grab a plane to Indonesia and substitute Reader’s Digest with New Idea.
Step 3
Once you arrive, burn your passport and buy some tatty clothes from an op-shop. Purchase some jerry cans and fill them up with petrol. Then go find a wooden boat to buy.
Step 4
Hire some “friends”. Make up some story about promising them riches in the lucky country or something about a holy quest if they are religiously inclined.
Step 5
Set sail for Australia, try to aim for the west coast in an area with no coastal towns. The more deserted the better.
Step 6
When the coastal guard intercept you start pouring petrol all over your boat and friends. If your friends ask what you are doing make up some story about having to kill sea lice or something. If that fails tell them bathing in petrol is an Australian custom and will gain favour with the authorities.
Step 7
Set the petrol alight. Aim to sink the ship and “accidentally” kill some of your “friends”. Be sure to get burnt a little yourself.
Step 8
Customs will rescue you and take you to a 5 star hospital. Remember that Reader’s Digest article you memorised earlier? Recite the article over and over again in Arabic the whole trip.
If anyone attempts to verbally communicate with you just alter the speed of your recitation, ie. slow it down to convey a feeling of loss and despair or speed it up to convey victimisation and frustration.
Step 9
Live it up in the hospital and wait for the government translators to arrive. Once they start asking you questions tell them some story about how Saddam’s troops were after you in Afghanistan for stealing a loaf of bread and how you and your brother, who died on your boat, miraculously dug your way to Indonesia. Then after hiding in the Indonesian forests for 30 years evading Iraqi police your brother caught cancer and you were fleeing to Australia when the Australian Navy blew up your ship.
If there is video footage of the ship burning, claim you were attacked by stingrays or salt water crocodiles.
If there is viedo footage of you setting fire to the boat pull the Shiekh Hilali defense and claim you were misquoted and taken out of context.
If anyone questions your story rip your clothes off stare at the sky and recite the Reader’s Digest article. This makes for great television and will help get your asylum brand out there. It also helps if you give yourself a cute western name, like fuzzy or lil’ canetoad that the newspapers can run with. Try get them take a photo of you kissing a koala.
Step 10
Wait for Australian lawyers to find you and then sue the Australian government for negligence. Win the lawsuit in a landslide victory and use the money to buy some land in western Sydney. After sufficient time has passed for you to “learn” english, write a book about your epic struggle for humanity and appear on Rove Live.
Congratulations, you’ll never have to work a day again in your life.
You’re welcome.
April 21st, 2009 at 9:46 pm Scribbler(Quote)
Completely offensive, and yet somehow funny. This article was a strange and yet intoxicating mix. Give me more!
April 22nd, 2009 at 12:06 am Van(Quote)
I love the way you write, Oz.
Actually, up until I got to Step 8 I thought this was a step by step guide on how to become a terrorist.
April 25th, 2009 at 10:53 am P(Quote)
What is a 5 star hospital?
April 25th, 2009 at 11:13 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
A 5 star hospital is where you rock up, get treated for damage you caused to yourself and walk away leaving someone else to foot the bill.
February 11th, 2011 at 3:25 pm Peed Off(Quote)
Don’t forget to push in to public housing in front of all the poor bloody Australians who have been on the waiting list for 10 years! Make sure you get a place that had already been promised to an Aussie.
April 22nd, 2011 at 5:18 pm spider(Quote)
Alternate method
Step1:
Commit a petty crime in Europe
Step2:
Get caught and wait for the government to put you on a boat (as mentioned above)
Step3:
once you reach australia , kill aboriginal people and wait for the next generation.
Step4:
This is the biggest step to choose
Either you stay in the jail and behave well= well behaved convict = australian police
OR
Get out of jail and stop enjoying the convict life style(you get paid dole)
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:47 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
@spider
Seems you’re stuck in the 1700′s. Might want to check your calendar there.
April 23rd, 2011 at 12:06 am ausGeoff(Quote)
What recession? How to get rich in Australia
Another method, although difficult to organise in hindsight…
Be lucky enough to be born an Aboriginal, but with an IQ in triple digits.
September 15th, 2011 at 2:37 pm Ryan(Quote)
This article was very funny and burst me into laugh.
However the racist comments like those which belong to ausGeoff turned me completely off.
September 15th, 2011 at 4:07 pm ausGeoff(Quote)
I’m sorry that you dismiss my comment as “racist Ryan, but I’m simply stating an obvious truth…
It’s a well-known fact that the average Aboriginal IQ is many points below that of European stock (and/or your average white Aussie today).
For example:
“Average” IQ of Australian Aboriginal = 63
African (non-white) = 67
European (all) = 99
Asian (all) = 105
The sorts of definitive tests (for example WAIS-IV) are often referred to as a “knowledge of operative reflective intelligence” test. Note that those with an average intelligence quotient of 55 to 65 “may experience difficulty with higher order concepts” and this is precisely the range of our Aboriginals.
And before you claim that our (or any) Aboriginals can’t be tested in these theoretical ways, the tests include a working memory index, a processing speed index and a perceptual reasoning index—none of which require any sort of formal or academic schooling. They’re intuitive.
—I guess I’m just making the point that with all their grants and other socioeconomic advantages unavailable to non-aboriginals, they should be doing a lot better than they are, and if I—with a demonstrably higher IQ—were to have those advantages, I’d certainly be putting them to good use. And not pissing them up against the wall.
September 15th, 2011 at 4:20 pm Ryan(Quote)
ausGeoff
I understand that what you say about the average IQ of different races is true but it does not justify your comment by any means.
For example every body knows that Africans are black so if you call them black in such a sarcastic way it wont mean that you are just expressing a truth. It will be racist act and of course against the law.
Also you just consider Australia as a country with white people plus some Aboriginals! While a big percentage of the Australian population are immigrants who have come to Australia from Asia, Middle East, South America, Europe etc. Majority of these immigrants have a high IQ (e.g those who come here as skilled workers) are the best ones in their field, increasing the average IQ in Australia.
Like you I hate to work and pay part of my income to people who don’t feel like to work. However paying free money to aboriginals is something, looking at them with scorn is something else.
September 15th, 2011 at 4:23 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Uh what, sarcastically calling someone black is against the law now?!
September 15th, 2011 at 5:41 pm ausGeoff(Quote)
I’m sorry Ryan but I must have misread my own posting …
There are actually whites, blacks and “coloureds” in continental Africa. So to claim I’m being “sarcastic” is just plain silly! In fact, if you re-read my post, you’ll note that it wasn’t me who used the racist term “black” but you!
I’d also be pleased if you could provide us with a link to justify your allegation that my using the term “non white” is illegal—and bearing in mind that nowhere did I describe any Africans as “black”.
I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at here either…
Of course I do—as would any other rational person in the context of this discussion. And bear in mind that Aboriginals comprise less than 2.5% of Australia’s population. So of course it’s “plus some Aboriginals”.
Misinterpretation again…
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ last census, 4,956,863 residents were born overseas, and represent 24% of the total population. I’d hardly call that a “large” percentage.
This also seems self-contradictory…
You then continue…”however”. Which I read as a “but”. You can’t have it both ways—you either do pay Aboriginals not to work, or you don’t pay them at all. Why sit on the fence? I’m actually sensing a latent racist attitude here from you.
And finally…
Can you give me any valid reason as to why I can’t (according to you) look at other people with “scorn”? That’s a pretty rash generalisation isn’t it anyway? Who am I allowed to treat with scorn? Who decides? And why should it be you anyway; where’s your authority to do so?
September 15th, 2011 at 6:10 pm Ryan(Quote)
@ozsoapbox : Of course it is. ask your lawyer!!
@ausGeof: blah blah blah! The readers got what you said. you don’t have to put paint on it!
September 15th, 2011 at 6:14 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Well on behalf of all Australians everywhere, let me be on the record as calling all black people on Earth… black.
And that was completely and non-disputably said with sarcasm… because they’re black. Geddit?
Can I has go to jail now?
September 15th, 2011 at 6:15 pm Ryan(Quote)
you have to go to hell
September 15th, 2011 at 6:17 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Going to hell for calling people black…? Oh my, I do declare!
September 15th, 2011 at 6:26 pm ausGeoff(Quote)
Why is it that people inevitably resort to insults when they haven’t got any answers, or—in this case—don’t care enough to take some time in putting together a decent response addressing the issues raised?
To dismiss my response (above) with a puerile “blah, blah, blah!” shows a lack of any reasoning abilities. Pathetic.
September 15th, 2011 at 6:29 pm ausGeoff(Quote)
Ha ha… this is so funny!
I’m guessing this guy’s losing the plot totally. Such a well-considered, articulate and intelligent response LOL.
April 5th, 2012 at 11:21 pm Algore(Quote)
Hi Ryan and ausGeoff,
You seem to agreeing on the ranking of difference races’IQ. Could please provide me with more information that will support your ranking of say: 63, 67,99 and 105. please include links and so post.
Thank you
April 6th, 2012 at 6:33 am ausGeoff(Quote)
Too easy Algore…
http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Race_and_intelligence_%28test_data%29
Be warned that there’s a lot of reading in this link!