So I walked into the office the other day. It was sunny outside, the wind was still and I’d just returned from a killer weekend up in Taipei.

Life was good.

I plonked my courier bag down on my desk and then I saw it. The most horrendous case of calculator abuse you’d ever hope to not see.

There was me thinking that I’d finally gotten to know the girls at work…

…

…how utterly wrong I was.

Cowering on the desk next to mine was this poor barely functional bastardisation of a calculator.

I’m not sure how long it’d been in this neglected state for but it took all of my mental strength to not just start ripping off the parasites it had been branded with.

Instead I cradled it and gave it a warm bath, gently removing the vandalism piece by piece. When I confronted the owner she was unbelievably nonchalant about the whole episode;

…I was just bored one day. I dunno… I thought it looked nice.


I wanted to grab the hot glue gun and sequin the hell out of her face right then and there. But this wasn’t about her, it was about the poor calculator.

Calculators are used lovingly by millions daily to calculate home loans, the percentage chance of getting laid that night, mortgage repayments, writing ‘hello’ and ‘boobs’ upside down (43770 and 80085), their savings and a whole ton of other things. Lord knows I’ve lost count of how many Taiwanese to Australian dollar conversions I’ve done over the last few months.

Without my calculator I’d be lost. Face it, we owe calculators everything.

It begs belief how people can stand by and let calculator cruelty like this continue. I’d seen the horrifying videos of people pulling apart them apart, running solar powered calculators well into the night and even those disgusting Chinese videos.

The ones where they tried to reverse engineer a series of calculators in attempt to recreate a Sony ‘Praystation 3′.

Still nothing could have even remotely prepared me for the bombardment of optical torture that was waiting for me in the office that day. The only thing missing from the ordeal was some Hello Kitty stickers and glitter.

On a more positive note I’m happy to report that ‘Butter Lion’ is now doing well and has a drawer all of his own. If anyone knows someone in Taiwan looking to adopt a slightly shaken but still completely calculationally capable calculator, drop me a line.


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