Simply put, the week after I lost my phrasebook was hell.

I’d been using my Lonely Planet mandarin phrasebook long enough that I was familiar with where to flip to for certain things, but I was far from memorising anything yet.

As such as my confidence when out in public plummeted. I dreaded ordering food and avoided social situations wherever possible.

One particular afternoon I was walking along starving and after passing five or six food places decided enough was enough.

As I passed the next place I stopped and forced myself up to the counter.

It took about all of five seconds for me to realise I’d made a big mistake. As I peered over the counter desperately trying to make sense of what exactly it was they were selling I quickly realised that nothing looked familiar to me.

I’d never seen any of this stuff before, what the hell kind of food was this?

After greeting the girl behind the counter I pretended to understand what I was looking at and stalled for about thirty seconds. My eyes desperately searched for something that looked remotely familiar but couldn’t see anything.

With the ‘you have no idea what you’re doing’ countdown fast approaching I looked up at the girl and was about to just turn and run away when I noticed two bowls sitting on the counter.

Half peering at the bowls I managed to point my now shaking finger at them and say ‘eee’ (one). ‘Eee’ was one of the few words I’d committed to memory due to constant use.

The girl then asked me some questions, to which I just nodded and smiled and after a flurry of serving spoons going in and out of the tubs behind the counter I was presented with a bowl of unknown to call my own.

I went and found a table and sat down. Staring down at my bowl of mystery I realised at this point that this wasn’t exactly a lunch cafe.

I didn’t quite know what to do with the cream (which was more like milk) so I poured one of the little containers into the bowl and began to eat.

Thankfully whatever was in the bowl didn’t taste half bad. It appeared to be all different sorts of jellies in some kind of liquid. Some of the jellies were tiny little round balls and upon first biting into them, memories of the discussion here on OzSoapbox about chicken testicles the day before began to flood back.

I reminded myself that I had no idea what I was eating and for a few seconds the though crossed my mind what if I was eating chicken testicles… you know right now.

I mean if I was going to serve up chicken testicles I wouldn’t just fry ‘em and present them on a plate. I’d disguise them with a whole bunch of other sweetish jellies and some cream to go on top.

Maybe this was chicken testicle delicacy desert.

I fought off the momentary building urge to throw up and forced myself to think about something else.

Afterwards I came to the conclusion that it was dangerous to just point and ask for what somebody else had ordered knowing absolutely nothing about the dish.

Chicken testicles aside, what if one day I half heartedly pointed at someone’s dish and it wound up being a $5000 plate of lobster?

‘hi i’ll have what’s on that plate’.

(chinese): ‘uh, are you sure it’s very expensive’

(me with no idea): ‘…yes.’

(chinese): ‘$5000 expensive. Sure you don’t just want beef noodles or something’

(me with no idea): ‘what’s on that plate, one please for me’

(chinese): ‘hey bao bao, get a load of this guy. Wants $5000 lobster and has no idea what I’m saying!’

(some other chinese guy): ‘lol.’

(me with no idea): ‘thankyou. Ok I go sit?’

(chinese): ‘yes, yes sit I bring to you’

Next time I promised myself I’d just turn around and run off screaming.

1. Taiwanese Black Chicken – Bye Bye Appetite
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