Extra Small Condoms: Buying a condom just got harder
I’m a guy and when it comes to buying condoms, unless I walk into a store with a hot girl on my arm things are usually a bit awkward.
Sure I might be exaggerating the situation in my head but I’ve never felt comfortable going out and buying a box of condoms on my own. Part of the reason is the narcissistic habit that kicks in when I see another guy doing the same, or worse another girl.
If I’m stuck behind someone on the conveyor belt and I see a box of condoms, instinctively I’m looking them up and down and wondering how ugly or hot their partner is.
If the conclusion is they’re really ugly then I feel like they’ve ruined my night before it’s even begun with their ugliness. If the conclusion is their hot then, as stupid as it sounds I get little pangs of jealousy run through me. Even if I’m not single at the time.
I assume I’m not alone in this and thus when I’m standing in line buying a box of condoms I can’t help but think this is what if someone else sees my box this is what they start thinking about too.
I’m well into adulthood (well, physically anyway), and these are the thoughts that run through my head when I think about buying condoms. Recently Swiss condom company Lamprecht AG announced that they plan to market condoms to 12-14 year old boys.
What a great idea, let’s inject a bit of sexual crazy into minds who’s only other social responsibility is deciding whether or not they want the red or the blue McHappy meal toy this week.
Profits aside, I’ve tried to rationalise the marketing of extra small condoms (subtly named the ‘Hotshot’) to young boys. From what I can tell nobody is going to benefit from a product like this…
12-14 year old boys
I’m not saying 12-14 year old boys aren’t doing it but cmon… whilst they might understand that their hoohah goes into her wahoo is anyone really expecting them to grapple concepts beyond that?
Most parents dread the birds and the bees talk and these days leave it to the television, internet or schoolyard to fill in the blanks. Imagine trying to explain sexual disease and pregnancy to a 12 year old.
What’s more, even if by some stroke of luck you’ve got a kid who gets it, do you really think he’s going to be thinking safe sex if he’s about to get some?
Kids at that age get distracted walking from their bedrooms to the dinner table let alone trying to remember to go buy a condom before doing little Sally down at the playground.
Then there’s the stigmata of the name. Adult males have a hard enough time dealing with condom sizes. What kid is going to buy ‘extra small’ condoms?
Parents
Ok so somehow your kid understands sexual diseases and avoiding pregnancy…what next?
You work in a supermarket and Mrs. Johnson whom you’ve known since you were a little kid rocks up with a box of Hotshot extra small condoms. What’s the first thought that pops into your mind?
Either she’s just started an affair with an Asian man or old man Johnson simply ain’t what he used to be.
As husband and wife going in to buy extra small condoms let me tell you now that nobody is going to believe they are for your kid. After years of sexual frustration as a couple you’re just both glad that somebody finally made a condom in just the right size for you.
As a lone father… well that’s a no brainer. It’s bad enough walking through the checkout with the least gay sounding and lack of fancy artwork on the box pack of condoms, let alone a box of Hotshots in extra small.
Not gunna happen.
The rest of us
I’m a guy and I’m pretty sure I’m getting lucky tonight. I open my condom drawer and realise stocks are running low. I need to buy myself some condoms.
No worries I think to myself. I head down to the local supermarket and as I’m reaching for my favourite box, I notice a few small packs off to the side with bright glitzy colors and cartoons on the box.
“What the hell?” I think to myself. I take a closer look at one of the boxes and then realise these are those new Hotshot extra small condoms I’d read about the other day.
“Ah, these are what the kids use when they… uh wait, better no finish that thought”.
Later on that night I’m getting little Oz ready for some fun and as I’m slipping it on that image of Hotshots pops back into my head.
The night is pretty much over at this point. Complete disaster.
Worse still imagine being behind some twelve year old at the supermarket and all of a sudden he slams down a box of condoms on the counter.
“Big night tonight son?”
“uh yeah lol.”
“Well uh, don’t forget to wash that one pubic hair down there…”
I can’t think of anything more awkward. Whatever the opposite of an aphrodisiac is, extra small condoms designed for kids is definitely the penultimate of it.
Even if they put them down with the powdered milk and baby formula or in the toy section there’s still a chance you’ll run into someone buying them.
Hopefully these things stay in Switzerland as an awkward social experiment and don’t make it for sale globally online. I imagine someone buying extra small condoms for kids in bulk over the internet is probably going to raise a few eyebrows at customs.
Living in Taiwan it’s bad enough thinking about buying tiny Asian condoms, I really don’t need to be thinking about children’s sizes too.
The irony of pregnancy aside, some things just don’t need to be associated with kids.
March 7th, 2010 at 7:42 am Louise(Quote)
is the average guy really that screwed up? Just buy the bloody things! We do. On your own, during the weekly shop. It’s no worse than buying tampons or toothbrushes.
Just out of interest, what goes through your head when you see someone in front of you with a box of tampons *and* a box of condoms? And a kilo bag of carrots, hahaha. That should mess with your head…
March 7th, 2010 at 9:12 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
I don’t know about the average guy but for me it’s just always been like that. All those movie scenes where the checkout chick has to do a pricecheck whenever somebody buys condoms didn’t help either!
Yeah it is. Imagine what it’s like for the person on the other side of the counter. Some ugly person walks in and buys a pack and you’re left trying to imagine who the hell would sleep with that? Next thing you’re biting your lip to stop yourself from blurting out ‘people like you shouldn’t be having sex!’
Then there’s the outright jealousy if the person’s good looking.
Face it there’s just no middle ground on the matter. Imagine going through that 40-50 times every week. It’d be traumatic.
Sex has always been a private thing for me… buying condoms feels like I’m drawing in an unwilling third party. Manning registers is a crappy enough job as it is, they don’t need that on their minds.
Tampons and toothbrushes I don’t care about. I’ve bought both before on my own… there’s no confusion or possible judgement as to why you’re buying them or who they are for.
Hell I even cracked it one day after reading a Coles catalogue and went out and bought a whole bunch of tampons and pads.
This is probably venturing into the too much information department, but periods have never stopped me before. I’d probably be standing there trying to work out why they needed condoms if it’s that time of month.
I’d like want to ask them and get an answer just so I wouldn’t be thinking about it for the rest of the day.
As for the carrots… after sex some people smoke, some people (like me) go off and find a can of coke to get some sugar energy back and uh some… probably like eating carrots.
Yeah that’s it… eating.
March 9th, 2010 at 12:08 am Tam(Quote)
This strikes me as odd, surely 12-14 year old boys (i.e. boys at puberty) aren’t *that* much smaller that their adult counterparts?
“I’m not saying 12-14 year old boys aren’t doing it but cmon… whilst they might understand that their hoohah goes into her wahoo is anyone really expecting them to grapple concepts beyond that?”
That gave me a giggle, but assuming that teens are too mentally immature to understand sexual education isn’t fair and doesn’t get us anywhere in reducing teen pregnancy – they are going to have sex (heck, I was in this age group well over ten years ago and some were having sex back then!), so why not try to educate them?
Otherwise they *will* just go by school-yard gems such as “you can’t get pregnant on the first time you do it* and *you can’t get pregnant if you haven’t had a period yet* and my favourite *you can’t get pregnant doing it standing up*
Teeny condoms may not be the answer, but I think more needs to be done.
March 9th, 2010 at 3:33 am ozsoapbox(Quote)
Without sounding incredibly creepy… and I have no basis of proof either but I think a fair analogy is comparing a cocktail frankfurter with one of those Bratwursts you can get from Queen Victoria Market.
Yeah they’re different.
This is one of those sticky questions. Everybody thinks more should be done but nobody knows what.
If you give kids extra small condoms then a whole bunch of other kids who were busy reading Harry Potter all of a sudden know what sex is and might start experimenting.
Next thing you know little Johnny’s trying to explain to his parents that the reason he didn’t use his pocket money to go out and buy protection is because he spent it on the latest Spiderman comic.
That’s the flipside to sexual education. Not that I’m against it… just that I think it’s far from being remotely effective with such young minds.
March 9th, 2010 at 7:48 pm Tam(Quote)
That’s a good point, and it’s a scary thought indeed.
March 11th, 2010 at 7:33 pm urgleburgle(Quote)
This is a bizarre topic….
1) If you are a guy, how hard is it to remember how big your tackle was at 12? Personally I doubt the need for kid-size condoms.
2) Did no-one other than myself have sex education? I knew about pregnancy and STD’s at around 12 in primary school.
3) Condoms help prevent pregnancy and death and if you aren’t mature enough to be able to just buy them without worrying about what everyone else thinks or looks like naked you probably aren’t mature enough to be having sex.
March 11th, 2010 at 11:05 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Here at OzSoapbox I’m not afraid to cover the big issues!
I can’t really remember a lot from when I was 12, let alone how big my tackle was. Hell I probably couldn’t tell you how big it is now… usually when it gets to that stage I’m more interested in who I’m with then the size of what I’m packing.
I mean I could give you an approximation…
Also I’m not quite sure but are you suggesting that your tackle hasn’t increased in size since you were 12? I might have been a late bloomer but I’m pretty sure I was still growing at that age. Aren’t most people?
I have vague memories of some classes in grade 6 involving bananas and maybe a condom. I think we had like 3 or 4 lessons spread out once a week for a month. I went to a mixed primary school and that was the only sex ed I recall. No idea what they’re doing these days.
Oh cmon, since when has having sex had anything to do with maturity. Half the people in the western suburbs of Melbourne would’ve never been born if maturity was a requirement for sex.
March 19th, 2010 at 8:42 pm Wombo(Quote)
Its always traumatic buying condoms. When you place a box of XXL condoms on the counter everyone convertly trying to eye your package.
May 21st, 2010 at 4:13 pm Steve(Quote)
“Sex has always been a private thing for me… buying condoms feels like I’m drawing in an unwilling third party.”
Yes… This seems very private.
May 24th, 2010 at 2:26 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Unfotunately or fortunately when writing an opinion blog you’re going to inadvertently reveal aspects about yourself to the greater public.
I’ve long since come to accept it… but I agree it’s hardly private. Oh well
.
April 3rd, 2011 at 3:11 am Ernst Rattenhuber(Quote)
You seem to be royally screwed up, dude.
And please get your geography right… the company in question is Swiss, not Swedish. You know, that little country where they make cuckoo clocks?
April 3rd, 2011 at 3:03 pm ozsoapbox(Quote)
Cheers.
Thanks for the pickup! I’ve updated the article accordingly. Swiss… Swedish, unless you’re from there kinda easy mistake to make but obviously no excuse.
As maker of the worlds smallest condoms, I hope Switzerland accepts my most humblest of apologies.
October 8th, 2011 at 1:24 pm Alex Benites(Quote)
This is the stupidest argument I have ever heard. No reasoning, no logic, just an ignorant, insecure person making an unreasonable generalization. First of all, what is wrong with condoms aimed to target the biggest teen pregnancy issue in the world?
You just think that you as an American are superior and can degrade everyone else, even throwing darts at the Asians and their “tiny Asian condoms.” When you, if you were lucky enough to find a local prostitute, certainly used a condom made in Asia.
And secondly, just because you are too ashamed and embarrassed to not order an XL condom you think everyone else is going to be like you?
People are not scum of the earth like you, if that size is the size they need they will buy it, they won’t be embarrassed or be insecure and think what will people think, they will just buy them!
Lastly, get your facts straight, the condoms that are in sale in Switzerland are not sold with X-Small labels on them, they are in a regular packaging so a person like you will buy them.
If kids and their parents work together to reduce the teen pregnancy issue in Switzerland it will be clear that those kids buying the “extra small” condoms are more mature than you are.