Thankfully I’ve never had to do it, but I imagine one of the most mentally uncomfortable experiences of my life would be collecting my sperm for medical purposes.

I’ve seen the same movie scenes you have, and unless things have changed, sitting in a room reading porn magazines and jerking off into a cup doesn’t rate on my list of ‘things I want to do anytime soon’ list.

Not withstanding having to hand that cup back to a nurse…

…just the other week I had to give a urine sample for some new medication and even though nobody was really paying attention, walking through a hospital’s emergency department with a vial of urine was a nightmare.

‘What if I trip? What if she thinks the vial is wet because I peed all over it and not because I washed my hands? Should I wipe it on my tshirt? No, somebody might see and think I’m wiping my own pee all over myself… ARGH!’

Yeah… not my fondest memory of a Saturday morning.

But getting back to sperm, luckily for guys like me there’s hope yet. At the recently held China International Medical Equipment Fair at Shenzhen in China, one patron spotted the future of sperm collection technology;

No longer do guys have to worry about scandalous video footage of them whacking off being secretely filmed, or doing something that you’d normally do in a comfortable environment out in the open… finally, for us not-so-creepy guys out there, there’s now the perfect sperm collection solution;

Walk in, drop your pants, step forward and let the…. well, I don’t actually know the name of the machine so let’s just call it the ‘sperm collector’ do it’s thing.

And no doubt you noticed the dials up the top, presumably added so that you can control the speed and intensity of your orgasm sperm extraction.

Hygene wise I’m not too sure how it’d work. Presumably there’s a disposable collection thing inside (a bag?) that can be removed and isn’t too difficult to replace.

The only possible downside to this kind of automated sperm extraction I could see would be machine malfunction (what if it becomes self aware and doesn’t stop?) and someone forgetting to change the collection mechanism before you had a go.

Sticky situation anyone?

Those shortcomings aside, before you rush to put your wife/girlfriend/vacuum cleaner on notice though, note that I’ve got no idea how much this unit costs or whether or not there’s a portable home model in the works.

Update 02/05/2011: Seems the sperm collector (model: SW3701) is made by SANWE and goes for just under $3000 USD.

Specifications: The sperm collector can simulate women vaginas movement, get axenic semen without harm through vision,audio,touching stimulation.

The sperm collector can simulate the movement of women vaginas as that of sexual intercourse. Through vision, audio, touching stimulation, it can give patients very comfortable feeling and easy for them to get excited. Thus, it can collect the semen rapidly and successfully.

Premature ejaculation desensitization training, to reduce the sensitivity of penis and glans, increase the sensitive threshold of ejaculation by stimulating penis repeatedly, so as to lengthen the time of ejaculation and reach the aim of curing premature ejaculation.

Shipped from Jiangsu in China, all enquiries should be directed to a ‘Mr. Ryan Ma’.

end update.

Hell, if they can bring laser eye surgery to the home though I’m sure there’s hope for your very own ‘sperm extraction 5000′ yet.

I mean, the unit already kind of looks like two anatomically correct legs, how hard would it be to get rid of all the medical analysis crap and strip it right down.

Also note the DVD icon on the screen, man this thing was built for watching porn on!

Whack on a few heated and realistic feeling breasts in the right place and bingbaddaboom we’re in business. Buy an unused shopfront somewhere, install 20-30 of these machines and before you know it you’re an INSTANT FREAKING GAJILLIONAIRE!

Who says innovation in China is dead?