Annice Smoel has just been released after being given a six months suspended jail sentence and a $30AUD fine. What this means is that the silly woman finally came to her senses and signed the court documents she refused to sign earlier and then pleaded guilty to the theft of a bar mat.

It wasn’t a straightforward journey as it should have been though.

Starting on the night Annice Smoel decided to steal the bar mat, abuse authorities, flee from police, attempt to bribe police and abuse the chief of police, Annice and her family have towed the ‘innocent’ line and hurled a gargantuan tirade of emotional blackmail at the Australian public.

For anyone else who wants to commit crime overseas and then completely destroy your both yours and your family’s reputation here’s how to go about it.

1. Get caught stealing a bar mat. We’re not talking about a coaster here, we’re talking about a huge towel-size roll of absorbent cloth. Unless Annice Smoel was using a suitcase as a handbag, there’s no way known she didn’t know she was walking out with the bar mat.

An example of the bar mat Annice Smoel tried to steal


2. Deny, deny, deny. Admit nothing and deny any and all claims the police make. You never abused the police or ran from them… you’ve just been unfairly set up just like every single other Australian citizen who gets into trouble overseas. Whatever happens, maintaining the image of downtrodden innocence is paramount:

In a plea to the government, Smoel said: “You’ve got to help me, I have not done anything wrong, this is a crock.”


Keep up this sham, even if there are witnesses that claim otherwise. They are all lying and have it in for you after all.

3. Refuse to sign court documents so that the matter will be dealt with quickly and quietly. Who the hell do these Thai schmucks think they are? You’re an AUSTRALIAN, you don’t answer to nobody.

4. Give a press conference and harp on about how much of a good mum you want to be. Surely a good mum isn’t capable of anything bad, that’ll hold up in court right?

5. Because Thailand is you know, so heavily dependant on Australian dollars they should be begging us to put up with our shit. Surely the attempt to turn your unruly behaviour into a political issue will mean release and an apology from the Thai government is just around the corner?

John Brumby, Premier of Victoria: “I would have thought for the Thai government and the Thai authorities, at a time of the global financial crisis, this isn’t going to help them.

Who’d go to Thailand for a holiday if you can get arrested for having fun in a bar?”


6. Get your husband to fly over and smooth things over with the local authorities. Get him to demand the Australian government to ….something something mumble mumble…. which will result in the immediate release of your innocent wife.

“This is a complete joke – the Thai authorities have no compassion and no respect for Western women or the wrongly accused. It’s just a joke,” he said.

Mr Smoel says the action of the Australian Government and consular authorities had been “nowhere near good enough”.


7. Time to bring in your heavy guns. Your lawyer stating that anything you might have done (but for the record didn’t do, because you are innocent) was ok because you were smashed off your tits will certainly help.

“She had had plenty to drink and if she did get upset that would be entirely understandable.”


8. Time to roll out some more family, have your brother in law, Gary Smoel, appear on national television and declare your crimes as a matter of national urgency. Surely the Australian government has a magic wand that makes everyone forget you committed crimes stored away just for cases like this.

“We’re in the hands of the Foreign Minister and our Prime Minister … and we are reliant on them and we are appealing to them as an average Australian family.”


Make sure he mentions that you’re an Australian working family and insist that Kevin Rudd drop everything and personally attend to your case.

9. Ok nothing has worked so far… maybe you could try selling the souls of your children by getting them to cry on national television to push your own agenda. That way you can continue to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. Surely that’s gotta work.

Do you understand why this is happening?

No.


I’ll tell you why it’s happening Zhian Smoel, it’s happening because your mum is a lying, disrespectful and abusive tourist. I’m surprised nobody has bothered to share that with you.

10. After starting to realise the best way out of this isn’t a national circus but instead might just be to own up, you finally sign the court documents, plead guilty and receive a suspended sentence and $30 AUD fine.

Going from “I explained to them that I am innocent” to pleading guilty wasn’t so difficult Annice now was it?

Take note future stupid Australian tourists, if you’re going to pull dodgies overseas spare your family and your personal reputation from being thoroughly trashed and just own up to your actions in the first place.

It is worth noting though that for all Annice Smoel’s emotional blackmail she did manage to get Wichai Praisa-nob, the governor of Phuket to pay her fine and apologise to her. How or why this happened I have no idea.

Was it worth it?

No.

1. Thailand: Cleaning up Annice Smoel trash one bogan at a time
2. Is Craig Langdon the mystery MP in the Jake Della-Vedova blackmail case?
3. David Carradine: Death by crazy ninjas or sex gone wrong?