I’m a guy.

And I’m one of those guys that when reading something that involves pain and male privates, does that ‘squeeze your buttcheeks together whilst sitting on a chair’ thing.

I don’t enjoy it but usually by the time it happens I’m too deep into a story to stop reading. So I continue reading and then go off and spend the rest of the day imagining what it must feel like to go through whatever it is I just read.

…in Imax 3D’esque 9 point surround sound graphic detail.

Over the last 12 hours crazy Asians have been responsible for me going through this butt clenching routine twice. After sitting at my desk replaying the two scenarios over and over in my head I thought I’d ask some hard hitting questions.

…anything to stop my mind mentally self inflicting on myself what these two poor buggers put themselves through.

1. Yeah that’s not growing back anytime soon…

Over in Indonesia some guy decided to take a knife to his penis after learning that his girlfriend had plans to marry another man. He then tossed the dismembered member down the village well.

Apart from the burning question of whether or not he used a serrated or straight blade, which don’t get me wrong is paramount to gauging the amount of pain involved, I couldn’t help but wonder how one finds oneself in such a situation.

I mean alright, you’re going out with some girl… and you clearly love her. I’ve never personally told a girl I’d cut off my own penis for her but whatever, each to their own.

Now just how do you not realise that she’s going to marry another guy? Is it something you walk in on, do you ‘accidentally’ read some emails you weren’t supposed to read or maybe a wedding invitation arrives at your house and whilst reading it you’re all like ‘hey hangon a second where do I know that nam-OHMYGOD!’

… how in the hell do you not know the girl you’re in love with wants to marry some other guy?!

What I particularly like about this news story is that the act of a failed self suicide attempt by cutting off your penis now has a technical name; it’s now called ‘self surgery‘.

The Director of the hospital the young man was taken to also turned out to be quite the philosopher too…

Cilacap General Hospital Director Sugeng Budi Susanto told local media “cutting off a penis can be fatal.“


Well gee there’s a revelation. I don’t know exactly what level of education is required to achieve the title Hospital Director but it seems it’s been put to good use.

And what was with the tossing down a well? Was it some kind of misunderstanding of how a wishing well works? Perhaps the well held the town’s drinking supply and he thought that by tossing his penis down there he’d create some kind of love potion soup his girlfriend would inevitably drink and then fall in love with him again.

No really, I’ve just cut my penis off and I’m standing there wondering WHY MY CROTCH IS ON FIRE… meanwhile this guy’s just walked up to a well and calmly tossed his severed dick over the edge. How do you even become that person?

Unfortunately villagers were unable to find the man’s penis so… well I guess he goes without. Kind of pointless now even if his girlfriend does go back to him isn’t it?

What are they going to do, hold hands?

2. Anal sex with a black guy

…is what I imagine shoving a cucumber up your arse feels like. This is how sixty two year old Hong Kong resident Chin Wei decided to try and end his life.

How do you get to the ripe old age of sixty two and then decide to end it all by shoving a cucumber up where the sun don’t shine? I mean there’s screw ups and then there’s screw ups; I’d love to know just what Wei did wrong to warrant death by cucumber penetration.

Presumably the game plan in this suicide method was to take one very long cucumber, insert into anus and then just keep pushing until you wake up in heaven. Now I’m no suicide expert but I can think of so many less painful ways to go son.

When asked what he was doing with a cucumber up his bum Wei told doctors “he inserted it in a suicide attempt“.

(Wei) said the method was a variation of the Japanese ritual suicide hara-kiri – usually carried out with a sword plunged into one’s own stomach.


I don’t know about you but there’s about fourteen billion degrees of separation between stabbing yourself in the stomach with a sword and ramming a cucumber into no mans land.

Variation my arse (no pun intended).

Unfortunately Wei’s brown eye wasn’t the only casualty here. Wei was discovered lying in a pool of blood by his daughter.

Seriously imagine trying to live that one down. Your father seems pretty well adjusted. You’ve never y’know, really got along with him but you guys have a functional relationship. He’s missed some birthdays and you said some stuff you regretted later a few times.

Stuff happens, life goes on.

Then one day you come home after a few drinks with the boys and find your dad lying in the lounge room with a cucumber stuck halfway up his arse.

…I just don’t think there’s ever going to be any recovery from that.

This story in particular had me clenching the old buttcheeks like nobody’s business… Thanks Hong Kong.

Seriously, has nobody in Asia heard of like a razor blade and some wrists? What the hell guys?!


Tweet